Thinking Awritten

Moving On

2009-12-17T18:04:00.002-05:00

This blog is no longer a place where I can express myself without actual risk of harm to my "real life" personal relationships. That kinda sucks, but I was thinking about starting anew anyway.

The great irony is it is right around my first year anniversary for this blog.

So farewell for now. I have a new place to express myself, under a new pseudonym. If you follow me and would like that link, send me an email to sxychikadee@gmail.com and I'll probably give you the link as long as you don't have a personal relationship with me in "real life."

To my blogging, twitter, etc. buddies: Please help me shed this identity by taking my comments under my new name without deleting my old identity just yet. I have a couple of people in my life who want to make things hard for me so they will be looking for places where this name is gone and replaced with a new name...

geez, sex blogging is complicated!

Optimism

2009-10-16T23:31:00.005-04:00

This post finds me feeling much better than the last - although the last still stands true. Thank you for the comments and I'm glad you liked the picture. :)

I finally got a job. I've been drawing unemployment for a year. This was, I believe, the 28th job application I sent out. This job doesn't pay what the unemployment did. It's part-time and I will still struggle financially. I think what I am paid is too high for the demand of the tasks. still

I feel so happy. The people are so upbeat and excited. The company is making an impact on the environment. This is the first time in probably 6 years that I have been happy at work.

So I am optimistic the other issues will resolve themselves soon.

Those who want more from me than I can give should know that I am telling the truth when I say it. There are more than one of them.

Sometimes you/I love someone who doesn't love you/me, while someone you/I don't love loves you/me. That sucks pretty bad. For everyone. still

I am really starting to feel good about my future as a single person.

Yes, I had some major philanthropic duty kind of dumped on me last night and I was overwhelmed.

Then I realized I have faith it will be ok.

I will hold onto this faith and not let the negative influences of others wear it down.

I will do the things that make me happy and feel good about them.

....oh and I'll probably have a pretty nice 'story' up for you soon.

Peace

Hate is not a Family Value

Fuck You HNT

2009-10-01T19:56:00.006-04:00

Lately I've remembered a few really important things:

1. I'm a smart woman who takes the time to inform herself about people who are different than she. Some people don't appreciate what it's like to grow up and live in a closed-minded community, so they'll never understand why others of us are not as "educated" about certain subjects as they allegedly are. Fuck you if you think I am anything other than open-minded and VERY accepting, because I am.

2. I've made a lot of really bad choices in life, but I've made some damn good ones too - really, really good ones. Fuck you if you don't like my choices. Go live your own life and make your own choices.

3. I don't owe you anything. You don't owe me anything. Some people want to rehash the past until it feels like the present. Fuck you if you can't realize the past is gone and you can't change the part you played.

I am no longer going to let those who are negative affect my life in any way. Take your negativity and go fuck yourself.

Yes I am more than a little sassy, but I care less than a little bit.

Want to see some uncovered boobs and help fight breast cancer - it's a WIN/WIN! Head over to Views from the Back Row for more info.

MicroFantasy Monday - Frustration

2009-09-28T22:28:00.005-04:00

There's no angle I can be to get deep enough in her. I've twisted and pulled her around the floor, and she has complied like a good girl, but still I cannot find the place I want to be. Deeper and deeper I push into her, her cries fall on deaf ears, not even coming close to what I need. Once again I flip her from her stomach to her back, but this time I shove 2 large throw pillows from the couch under her ass. Grabbing her ankles and spreading her wide, I take her again. Her shocked gasp is the first thing I hear as I feel the release coming.

Thanks Ang. Just the theme to get me back (?).

A Safer Place

2009-09-27T23:22:00.004-04:00

Right at 2 years ago I decided to quit trying to save my marriage. At that point, I had already moved out, but I was still "going home" on the weekends. I was doing everything I, my ex father-in-law, or my therapist could think of to convince my husband to stop being a drug and alcohol addict and start being a husband and a father. I was loving him and he was pushing me away. Then one night he finally humiliated me to the point that I quit trying. Call me what you will, but after trying for over 3 years before giving up on an 8-year relationship, I don't consider myself a quitter.

I was heartbroken, but I had been for so long it wasn't a new feeling. He was so mean in so many ways I could write for years and never really get it all out. So I moved on.

It didn't work. I wielded a sword of love and sensuality that was too heavy for me. I loved someone who didn't really exist as I thought he did. Then someone loved me, but not me as I really exist. All in all the sum total of my efforts to move on have left me and several others more damaged than healed.

I'm so angry right now. Angry at my ex for abusing me and never appreciating me, angry at those since then who have demanded more from me than I could give, but mostly I am angry at myself.

Why was I so foolish? Why did I spend so many of my formative adult years trying to get someone to love me? Why did I have children with that person - children that will never know what it is like to have both their parents living in the same house?

I can't change what happened and I mustn't forget this anger I am feeling right now. I have to remember that I could have prevented all of this had I just known my own worth, instead of relying on the approval of others to find it.

I have no business engaging anyone in anything beyond simple sexual pleasure. Since pretty much every time I try to "just have sex" someone gets hurt, I guess that has to be off the table too.

I used to be such a loving person. I used to feel so much compassion for people. Now I am angry and bitter. It's time to face it and just accept that I can't love any more. I don't know how people ever get past being this angry and I don't know that I want to find out.

The rest of you can have your "love", my choice of emotion is anger. It will protect me.

HNT - Games

2009-07-30T22:01:00.004-04:00

This actually from a beach trip earlier this summer. I came across it today unexpectedly. That mark on my arm is from my arm being across the laptop power cord, getting addicted to a time-management game while my kids slept! Silly me. I really love those games...

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Seducing Me

2009-07-28T22:01:00.004-04:00

The way your fingers trail up my arm, slowly, but with purpose.

The slight tilt of your head as you look down at me.

The smell of you, as only you smell.

The intensity of your gaze into my eyes.

The feel of your chest rising and falling over your heartbeat.

The times when you almost kiss me, but don't; instead pulling me into your arms.

The strength of your arms as they pull me in.

The way you keep your eyes open as you lean closer to me.

Your hand stroking the back of my neck.

Your tiny bit of hesitation when our lips meet.

Your fierce kiss that always follows.

With everything you are, you seduce me.
Even though I don't want it.

Closure

2009-07-24T22:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Lost Love:

My heart has ached for you for almost a year now. Some days it hurt so much I felt like I couldn't bear to breathe. Other days it was more like remembering a loved one who died a while ago - just a moment of silence in sadness. Now days it falls between the two - a dull ache that never really goes away - the pain of missing someone from my life who meant a great deal to me.

I still have moments when I smell you in the wind and wonder if you are thinking of me too. I see things I know you would love and I want to get them for you. I still miss your children and I wish you could see the ways mine have changed since you last saw them.

It is highly unlikely you will ever read this as I know you have a disdain for my interest in public airing of my personal feelings. This is really more for me than you anyway.

As it turns out, you don't really know me. Almost every day I do/say/feel something that you wouldn't expect or "approve".

Thing is: I'm more ME than I've ever been in my life. I get to dress the way I please without scrutiny, hang out with my friends without jealousy, and go about my life doing the things that make me happy. When I was with you, I was so worried about your approval I gave up going out dancing and even seeing certain friends because I was so anxious to gain your approval. I would blame it on your insecurities, but actually it was my own insecurities. Had I been more secure (as I am now), I would have gone ahead and done the things I love and let you go if you wanted to go.

I have finally realized why it's been so hard to let go of you. It is because I don't know if what we had was real outside my own mind. Were you lying to me the whole time, or was I just that delusional? The love I felt for you was like nothing else I'd ever known, and I thought you felt the same way.

If you didn't love me like that, I would like to know because then I could be even more cautious in my interpretations of love-like actions of others. If you did love me that way, then I can just be happy knowing I wasn't being completely insane in thinking so. Either way, it would be nice to know, but I doubt you'll ever have the heart to tell me.

Maybe someday I will get to talk to you and you will let me have the closure I need. Maybe not. Or just maybe we will meet again by chance and that moment will be just as electric as the first moment we met - except I will know you will never accept me for who I really am.

You're breaking the girl

HNT - The Other Kiss

2009-07-16T15:33:00.003-04:00

This kiss was pretty sweet too.

That's the setting sun reflected in a mirror...

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

The Premier

2009-07-13T23:53:00.003-04:00

From the supply closet I heard the janitor set the final locks. Peeking out to see he was gone, I loosened my suit jacket buttons, and took off my jet-black Christian Louboutin heels. As I crept toward the premier’s office, I heard a soft gasp and then a low moan. I glanced inside the next-door window to see the premier’s head of security relaxed in her office chair, hands working herself. Knowing getting caught would lead to foreign prison, I watched her strong hands rub her clit through her pantyhose. Her breaths became solid, her hips arching off the chair.

I pulled my eyes away and moved quickly toward the premier’s office. The keys, codes, and information led me straight to the files. As I scanned them with my keychain, I heard her say

You should’ve stayed to watch. Now I’ll really have to punish you.

Read more at The Sweltering Celt.

HNT - Passion

2009-07-09T21:23:00.002-04:00

...it was an amazing kiss.

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

MicroFantasy Monday - Sleep

2009-07-06T18:45:00.006-04:00

As usual, I felt you move against me, cuddling up to my back as I slept - but this time I felt something more. As you entered me from behind, I reached down to trace circles on my clit. You moved slowly, but with deliberation and in that way that gets me every time. I felt the warmth building in me as I rubbed myself faster and harder. My orgasm washed over me like warm water, and just as the waves subsided I woke up... and realized you weren't even there.

Read more at The Sweltering Celt.

Shame on You

2009-07-03T22:47:00.004-04:00

First I must disclose that I have permission to write this post.

Recently a friend of mine who started coming out as transitioning from female to male told his mother about it.

The mother's first reaction: "I don't want to know anything about it." & "I don't care what you say, you'll always be my daughter." These reactions aren't too surprising and I think are probably quite popular, unfortunately.

A few weeks later the discussion is continued. This time the mother declared that it is "socially acceptable" to be a lesbian, but not to transition. She illustrated her point by stating something like "I mean, I would like to do heroin, but I don't - I drink because it's the socially acceptable thing to do."

This is one of the most screwed up things I've ever heard.

I'm grateful that I know no matter who my children are, I will love them and accept them. I'm also grateful that's not my mother. She should be ashamed.

HNT - Party Dress

2009-07-02T11:38:00.003-04:00

One of my FAVORITE party dresses. Meets the most important qualifications: purple and sparkling!

In fact, after wearing it, there was purple glitter everywhere... I do mean everywhere :)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

2009-07-01T17:52:00.007-04:00

`Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.

I attended Pride 2009 in Knoxville last weekend. It was my first Pride. Apparently it was quite a turn-out, although I was disappointed with the small crowd.

Mostly though, I was very disheartened that I didn't seem to fit in there either. And by "either", I mean - yet again - I don't fit in. Every eye that met mine was met with a smile. Every single one. I wore a smile all day because I really was SO happy to be there. Still, 90% of smiles I gave were met with looks of scorn; dubious "What are YOU doing here?" type looks usually. Or else the recipient of my smile just looked away as if I had bothered him/her. Well, let's be honest here: I am talking about the women. The men (gay) that I smiled at or interacted with ALL smiled and thought I was "the cutest little lipstick" they'd ever seen. But I wasn't there to find a place in the gay-male crowd.

For the record: I even toned-down my femme, opting for Converse (low cut pink ones, but still) instead of my usual heels, low make-up level, and just ONE piece of jewelry which was very simple. In fact, I wore not one sparkling thing!

It's a struggle: to be who you really are, only to find that person doesn't have a place to belong outside a couple of close friends. Don't get me wrong - I am eternally grateful for the friends I have that DO accept who I really am. It's just that I, like everyone else in the world, want to be able to feel like there are people like ME out there.

Sure the Internets are full of people similar to me - and people who would accept me in daily life were we not hundreds or thousands of miles from each other physically. I am also grateful I've found that acceptance, but it is bittersweet as I know that is not enough for me and I will most likely never meet those people.

I've cried since then - a LOT. More than I have in a very long time. This sense of rejection has cut me so deep I'm starting to wonder if I should ask my doctor for an increase in medication for a while. My physical health is suffering too. The last 4 days have seemed like one long journey back into my own personal cave - away from the possibility of rejection.

My reaction is to flee straight into the arms of someone who really accepts me, for all my femininity and queerness both. I don't know where this will lead, and I'm trying really hard not to think about it. (Then I watched the Sex & the City movie and I wanted to get married. WTF? Maybe that's just that movie.) But either way, when I am with him I feel accepted and right now that's what I need.

Growing up, I read and reread Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. I always identified with poor Alice, who only wanted to make sense of things and get back to being herself. I recently recalled this passage:

It was so long since she had been anything near the right size, that it felt quite strange at first; but she got used to it in a few minutes, and began talking to herself, as usual. `Come, there's half my plan done now! How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another! However, I've got back to my right size: the next thing is, to get into that beautiful garden--how IS that to be done, I wonder?'

That's where I am right now: Finding myself exactly the right size, yet unsure of what I'll be from one day to the next, just wanting to get into the beautiful garden of acceptance.

HNT - White

2009-06-25T13:45:00.005-04:00

I love to prepare for playdates. I take a nice hot shower, shave my legs and pussy smooth, then cover my body in baby oil so that it's nice and slick. I keep all my pretty lingerie in one drawer so that when I open it there is a lovely array of colors and styles - and lots of lace.

With all those choices I still find this little white set to be one of my favorites.

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Do I really have to?

2009-06-17T21:56:00.005-04:00

I've reached a place of crossing paths in my life. You see, I always wanted to be someone's "someone special" and when I try that it becomes rapidly apparent I shouldn't be. Counting only adultish relationships, I had 4 consecutive relationships, the last ending after 8.5 years - then 4 more of a more sporadic variety. I'm worn out in the heart department. So much that even though I have a couple of people who care greatly for me - I want to be single.

These people already know this. I suppose I am, in part, writing it to confirm it as such.

Those who have read my previous entries about "The Lost Love" will probably not be surprised to hear exactly how over "love" I really am.

Here's the kinds of playmates I want - in order of preference:

1. A queer bio-female, gender fluid is good. Queer Sex=YES
2. A really pretty lesbian (my definition may surprise you, but that's another day) who flatters me incessantly while I get to play with her endlessly.
3. A particular breed of bio-man who likes to play with me a whole lot in some queerish ways, even when he's already "done."
{Safer sex with all please}

The problem:
I can't find one of these people without The L Words: Like, longing, love. Bleh.

Does this really make me so awful? A 31 year old sexual woman who has had raging hormones for just about 2 years now after one failed relationship after another who wants to just have great sex?

Some would call me a slut. I don't particularly care. That word doesn't carry any real meaning to me.

Some have called me a playa. I don't think so. I'm - and they'll all tell you - VERY HONEST about my position in life right now and how I feel about everything.

What's a girl to do?
Become celibate?
Really?
Do I have to?

HNT - beach souvenir

2009-06-17T18:30:00.008-04:00

So I've been away for a while - at least in the world of bloggers. I went to the beach with my kids & best friend. It was exhausting, but lots of fun still.

I'm not usually prone to buying kitchy things at the beach, but I couldn't resist buying this heart shaped necklace containing a purple flower and a grain of rice with the names of my children written on it. Cheezy, yes.

But look at my awesome purple tank top shot I got... complete with sweat & deo stains, fresh off a walk on the boardwalk.

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

ATTN Reviewers - Beware of Vimeo

2009-05-28T14:41:00.004-04:00

Attn Sex Toy Reviewers:
Please carefully consider whether to continue to host your videos at Vimeo. Here are the emails I received/sent to Vimeo regarding my account:

Dear sxy chikadee:

Your account has been removed by the Vimeo Staff for violating the Rules of Vimeo.com

Reason: Uploading videos that contain pornography or sexually explicit material.

We hope you find a video host more suited to your needs. If you believe this was an error, please reply to this email in a civil manner with your reasoning ("I see other people do it" is not a valid reason).
Regards,
Vimeo

To which I promptly responded (in my oh-so-legal-mind way:

Dear Sir or Madam:

I uploaded 3 videos to Vimeo, 1 of which was simply a slide show of pictures of my eyes, the other 2 were of reviews of vibrators. There was absolutely NO pornography in any of the videos I uploaded.

The 2 vibrator review videos had technical language referring to female anatomy, but otherwise would have been rated PG by any third-party evaluator concerning the words used during the reviews. The 2 review videos did not show the vibrators being used on a person, animal or thing.

You state the reason my account was deleted was for "Uploading videos that contain pornography or sexually explicit material."

As of the moment I send this message, your guidelines state:
"No sexually illicit material or porn. Non-sexual nudity is okay."

I'll address both "explicit" and "illicit" as they are not the same thing.

1. Per your published guidelines: "No sexually illicit material"
The definition of "illicit", as provided by Merriam-Webster, is "unlawful". None of the material I uploaded was sexually unlawful in any manner, even in the ultra-conservative state of Tennessee in which I live.

2. Per your email to me "...contain...sexually explicit material"
The definitions of "explicit" as provided by Merriam-Webster:
1 a. fully revealed or expressed without vagueness, implication, or ambiguity leaving no question as to meaning or intent b.open in the depiction of nudity or sexuality, explicit books and films
2 fully developed or formulated explicit notion of our objective
3 unambiguous in expression explicit on how we are to behave, defined by an expression containing only independent variable

I believe the definition you are searching to apply to my videos is "open in the depiction of nudity or sexuality". None of my videos had nudity of ANY kind, nor did they contain verbal or visual depictions of sexuality.

Although you said not to say "other people are doing it" - I find your particular censorship of MY videos somewhat amusing as a simple search for "sex toy reviews" on your site brings up 82 videos, most of which are even more "descriptive" than the videos I posted.

Seriously? I'm guessing you have some sort of automated system for these decisions, but maybe a person should actually LOOK at the videos before these actions are taken.

And they said:

Hello,

I have reviewed your account and I agree that the videos you uploaded were not sexually explicit. However, it is apparent that you are both reviewing products from Edenfantasys.com and featuring them as a sponsor on your blog, with an affiliate link, therefore these videos are commercial use, which is not allowed on Vimeo.

I have restored your account and the video of your eyes. You are welcome to upload reviews of products that you do not profit from.

Best wishes,
(Name of person - email me if you want it)
Community Director - Vimeo.com

And I asked:

Just to clarify:

If I had not placed a link to my personal blog in the description those videos would NOT have been considered commercials?

The reason I ask is because I do see many sex toy reviewers using Vimeo and listing their personal blogs within the video (as part of the credits, etc.), but not within the written description. All of those bloggers have affiliate banners for various companies on their personal blogs.

The response:

Vimeo is for noncommercial use only, so you may not use your videos in a commercial manner. Posting reviews of products that you make money from as an affiliate is commercial activity. Do not base your use of Vimeo on other users who may be breaking the rules themselves. We have a small staff, over 1.5 million users, and we address as many policy violations as time allows.
Best wishes,
(Same Name of person)
Community Director - Vimeo.com

I actually can understand the reasoning to some extent, but really? First my material is too "explicit", and then when I pointed out it isn't, it's too "commercial"??

I only have ONE affiliate link on this blog at this time. For those of you that have more than one and multiple Vimeo uploads: watch out.

Thoughts on where to go next. Youtube maybe?

HNT

2009-05-27T20:08:00.002-04:00

The previous HNT series I started is hereby indefinitely postponed. Truth be told, the subject matter is not one I wish to include on my blog at this time.

Soo....

I went through some older pictures and found this one for your viewing pleasure. It may seem familiar if you've paid attention. :)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Microfantasy Monday - Balance

2009-05-18T18:33:00.011-04:00

Between physical and emotional ailments of late, my "stories" haven't been given a voice. So here's a snippet of one that happens to fit perfectly with this week's MM theme. (Isn't it great when things work out that way)

Purse on the kitchen floor. Belt thrown down in the living room. Panties shed somewhere along the hallway. One knee on the side of the bed, the other leg extended - heel to the wall, resting on elbows...perfectly balanced with my dress sliding down my back.

Like this? Didn't? Either way - there are some great ones to be found at Ang's. Go check them out.

Coming Up

2009-05-07T15:46:00.007-04:00

Last night I got home from an inpatient stay in a hospital. I was admitted Sunday evening with symptoms similar to those of a seizure/stroke. The right side of my body suffered extreme weakness (useless hand and legs) and numbness. I could not walk, use my right hand, or even hear clearly out of my right ear. These symptoms have mostly subsided, although I am left with a definite weakness on my right side. The official diagnosis is "unexplained neurological event" - which basically means "we don't know what happened to you." As I had a TIA in 2003 and have a strong family history of stroke, I will be taking small doses of aspirin daily now. I will also be going to phsyical and occupational therapy for a little bit.

One of the tests I had was an MRI of my head and neck, which lasted around 50 minutes. This type of MRI required me to be perfectly still in a noisy, VERY confined space for the entire test. I also had several other tests of this nature and spent the rest of the hospital time confined to a bed. Suffice it to say I had lots of time to think.

I was scared I would never see my children again. Scared I wouldn't complete the goals in my life of which I have always dreamed. Mostly though - I realized I have been wasting a lot of energy and need to refocus on those things in my life which make me happy, instead of the sadness that sometimes lingers with me.

Lots of things make me happy: children, friends, sunshine, the beach (upcoming vacation) and of course, sex!

I've been given the opportunity to write reviews of some really great sex toy/product for EdenFantasys, Sweet and Sinful (for Intimate Organics), and Sportsheets (courtesy of a contest sponsored by Bubbzy) . So there will be lots of reviews coming up, and just maybe....

some pictures and "stories" to go with them

:)

The Answer

2009-04-26T21:32:00.002-04:00

For months I've wondered, searching for meaning in this constant tug of my heart. A tug that pulls me toward a love that is not for this time, not for these circumstances. This pain has lain upon my heart for more than many moons.

My dear friend tells me "God does not lay something so strongly in your heart for it to be ignored." All thoughts of religion and faith aside, I agree. I don't think people hold such powerfully strong feelings for no reason. I thought these feelings were telling me to hold on: that the time would one day be right.

I did not know how the person of this affection felt for me in this time. I just knew there had to be some greater reason I would still love someone so much, all the while knowing I cannot pursue that love at this point in my life.

I did not put my life on hold, rather, I worked around the overwhelming loss as if it were only temporary. For all my life I dreamed of such a love, so my heart could not comprehend it would have no eventual value.

Now I've been told by this person that my feelings are for naught. There is no dream to hold, no reason to love.

I feel I am destined to never love with such passion again. As time passes, it becomes more and more obvious that my feeble attempts to open my heart are only hurting those around me.

I see how people become bitter. For what is the purpose of this suffering? To make me cold, to isolate me from any potential of knowing again the warmth of such a love? To cause me to refocus my life, filling it with every possible distraction to drown out the noise of a love lost?

In searching for one answer, I've been left with many more questions that have no answers.

Struggle

2009-04-22T18:54:00.006-04:00

I'm haunted by a love that apparently isn't going to die. Just when I think it has faded, things start happening again that appear to be some sort of cosmic torture methods to stir the love around in my heart. Songs that are out of place, names of people, phrases that I've never heard anyone else say, and more all start popping up randomly one right after the other. 2 months went by with nothing, then it started again.

I've come to the conclusion that all I can do is live the life I have today, without thinking about what may come in the future. Still, I wonder that I am doing the right thing. Yes, I am living my personal life in a way that feels very natural and amazing - yet, I cannot really give my heart to those who want it. It seems like a betrayal. I'm told there is a lot of patience, but what the teller doesn't seem to realize is that's what they've all said. And yes, it is a "different" situation at this moment, but they've all been "different" in one way or another.

What am I supposed to do? I can't put my life on hold, refuse to date, and just wait to see what happens. I'm not afraid of being alone, I just don't believe people are meant to "pine away" for years and years for something that could easily not be real to the other person.

I'm sorry. To both of you. And to those of you who fell at the mercy of my heart in the last few months. I'm not trying to make this happen. It just keeps happening.

Sometimes in the quiet night, I still hear you
Sometimes in the sun's pure light, I still feel you

Not wishing with you I could stay
Not wishing you would go away

Wondering if you think of me too
Wondering who gets to be close to you

Knowing now is not the time
Knowing my heart is far from prime

Existing for today, and maybe tomorrow
All the while with heavy sorrow

High Femmes Having Fun!

2009-04-21T22:08:00.006-04:00

Sexy Sims Wahoo!

This cracks me up. I think I have a weird sense of humor. :)

HNT - Last of this Series

2009-04-15T14:10:00.007-04:00

I get lots of comments on my eyes. They are sometimes darker, sometimes brighter, sometimes bluer, sometimes greener, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes horny....so here's a sampling!

(There is no sound)

My Eyes from sxy chikadee on Vimeo.

So that's the end of "up my body"
Stay tuned for the next series (hopefully): Blush...

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Pleasurists #24

2009-04-13T21:15:00.000-04:00

My first review on this site is listed. I had a video too! :)

from www.positivevoid.co.uk found via Art or Porn

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #23? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #25? Submit it here before Sunday April 19th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Gforce Wand Giveaway Deadline: April 14 11:59 pm EST.

CrashPadSeries.com Contest! Deadline: April 22, 2009.

My First Sex Toy Contest! Deadline: 11:59 PM CST May 1st.

Do You Have an Erotic Adventure to Share? Deadline: May 31st, 2009.

Spring Contest Time! Deadline: TBD?

Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree! Deadline: Friday, June 5, 2009

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus St.Syr

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

Smart Balls by Eliot Bodem

[P]lacing them as is shown in the little instruction booklet left me feeling that they were always in danger of falling out. But now that I think about it, I suppose that’s the point; you instinctively clench around the balls and that works the PC muscle.

Editor’s Note: I try to pick posts which are not only well-written but also which are somehow unique or unusual and make me desire to own the toy being reviewed. While I’ve seen many reviews of the Fun Factory Smart Balls I thoroughly enjoyed the sense of discovery in this review and it made me want to try them.

Vibrators

LELO Liv by Mina Meow

Pocket Rocket Jr. by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew

Hot Love by Sxychikadee

Tantus Buzz 1 by Marla Singer

Vibrating Bullet by Beautiful Dreamer

The Cone by Ginger Leigh

Sasi by Mina Meow

Vibrating Rabbit by Beautiful Dreamer

Chill Pill by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew

SinFive Vuali by Marla Singer

Siena Symphony by Sleeping Dreamer

LELO Liv by Holden

Orchid G by Adriana

Passion Wave Stimulator by The Countess

Desire from Evolved by CarrieAnn

Fun Factory Delight by Beautiful Dreamer

Perfect Touch Mega Bullet by Dangerous Lilly

Vibrating Mini-Bullet by Adriana

Dildos

Fun Factory Share by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

LELO Olga by Beautiful Dreamer

Share by Domina Doll

Silky by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

Dai Do #3 by Bad Bad Girl

Helix Rocket by Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Blue Ripple with LED by Ang

Fun Factory Curve by Catalina Loves

Energie by Bad Bad Girl

Lube & etc.

Sliquid Organics Natural Gel by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

Love Balm by CarrieAnn

ID Moments by Domina Doll

BDSM/Fetish

Thigh and Wrist Harness by Thursday’s Child

Under the Bed Restraints by Backseat Boohoo

Bondage Tape by Domina Doll

Nipple Tit Clamps with Bell by Ang

Adult Books

Tantra for Erotic Empowerment by Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Adult Movies/Porn

Jennifer Welles Big and Natural by J.D. Bauchery

Seka Gets What She Wants by The Porn Librarian

Karakuri Ninja Girl by FrzKey

Barcelona Sex Project by Ansley Agnello

New Romantix by Beautiful Dreamer

Flawless by J.D. Bauchery

Muscle and Cum by The Porn Librarian

Nina Hartley’s Guide to Bondage Sex by Backseat Boohoo

Storage

Lockable Vibrator Case - Large by Jezebelle

FYN Toybox by Essin’ Em

Sugar Sak XL by Adriana

Miscellaneous

Sex Clean Toy Cleaner by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

Packing Strap by Erin Leone

G-Plus Massager Attachment by Shay

Thigh Harness by Thursday’s Child

Durex Avanti Condoms by Shasta Gibson

Soft Pack by Carnivalesq

Love Seat (for the Hitachi) by Bad Bad Girl

Selfish Dreams?

2009-04-12T10:03:00.003-04:00

I have been blessed with 2 beautiful children. They are well-behaved, courteous, loving and the best of friends. They are a very positive product of a extremely negative situation. I am so grateful.

Both of my pregnancies were very difficult. In the first, I was "sent to bed" (bed rest) for 16 of 40 weeks because of increasingly strong contractions. Then I was in "active" labor for about 26 hours and gave birth vaginally to a child with a 19" head who wasn't breathing. Now a couple of years later, she still has a big head, but her smile and heart are what are easily seen as enormous.

In my second pregnancy, I made it to week 29 before the contractions started. They were much stronger than in the first pregnancy. I walked around for 9 weeks having at least 2 contractions that measured 70-95 on a non-stress test every hour. Then during delivery of that child, my blood pressure dropped to critical levels twice. She was born with a small birth defect that has delayed her neurological development. Still, even though she definitely lives in her own little world, she has an immeasurable kindness and radiant love.

I shouldn't get pregnant again. Ever. My children need their mother and pregnancy is a serious risk to my health. Plus: Why would I want to have more children when I am so very blessed with the ones I have?

I don't know why, but I crave being pregnant and having more children. It feels so selfish because I know of so many people who just want the chance to be pregnant and have 1 baby, and I've done it twice.

Last night I had a dream that I was starting to go into labor and needed to get to the hospital. In my dream, there were so many people and situations that kept me from getting to the hospital to have my baby. I was having very strong contractions and I knew it was time for me to have a baby, but it was like no one would let me just go have it.

Today the kids got up and "found" their Easter baskets, I made strawberry pancakes, and soon we will go outside and "hunt" eggs. It is a beautiful day to spend with my children, yet my dream from last night is haunting me to the point of having to restrain myself from crying.

I just want to know why. Why do I want another baby when I am already so blessed with 2? Why do I have this want when my body isn't meant for it? Why am I so selfish that my dreams are selfish?

HNT: Lips +

2009-04-08T19:50:00.006-04:00

Took a break from HNT because I needed to get some other things done before posting one, but now I'm back. :)

I've been posting a series of pics that started with my feet (shoes) and moved up my body so that the last picture I posted was the top of my back & shoulders.

I thought I'd post a picture of my lips next...but then I found this picture, and realized it would be a shame to crop it down to only my lips. (Taken NYEve 2008)

(Number 10 of the series)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Totally Fuckable Tuesday - Leisha Hailey

2009-04-07T18:31:00.002-04:00

Ummm...
Duh.

Thank you Beautiful Dreamer

"Friends"

2009-04-05T12:39:00.004-04:00

Facebook and Myspace are getting increasingly annoying. Yes, they have been great to reconnect with some old friends. BUT

I am continuously getting friend requests from people I either a) don't really know at all or b) don't really give a crap about getting to know.

Point A: I use those sites to actually keep in touch with my real friends. I post pictures of my children and information about my real life. I have both accounts set so that only my "friends" can see my information. Yes I realize those "friends" could easily share my pictures and information with other people: another reason why I am so picky about which friend requests I accept.

Point B: I don't want to reconnect with people who I have never liked. I must qualify this statement with: I was relentlessly picked on by girls and boys alike ALL THE WAY through school. I was even teased at church. I was different and in this little town, different is not considered good.

Now I get friend requests from people who were flat out mean to me. I've changed a lot since school, and I'm sure they have too. I'm not angry with those people, but memories of them are painful.

There are many times in life when we don't get to choose those people with whom we must interact - like at work. I think that when we do get to decide, we should choose to be around people that invoke happy and pleasant feelings. So no, I'm not going to accept that former bully's friend request.

Miserable

2009-04-03T08:31:00.003-04:00

I really don't like arguing, but I will argue the color of the sky when I feel the need to. That being said, I think there are certain rules to arguing which adults should respect:

1. Argue only about the specific topic at hand, i.e., the color of the sky.

2. Argue only about what is currently being said, not things said 4 days ago.

3. Restrain from yelling, crying, or any other over dramatic antics.

4. Take what the person is saying as what they mean. Especially if you are dealing with me. I've never been known to hold back what I am really thinking. Logically, if I am unafraid to express my thoughts, why would I say "The car is purple", but actually mean "I hate the color purple."????

5. AND THIS IS THE BIG ONE
DO NOT attack someone personally. Do not take insecurities your adversary has confessed to you and throw them up into his/her face as part of the argument. There is just no reason for this.

When someone attacks me personally with my insecurities, I feel like a tiny little dog backed into a corner. It is hard for me to think of things to say in response, and I don't want to stoop to that level - but I feel like if I don't at least make an attempt to take a little bite back that I am being beaten down.

Example: I worry frequently about whether or not I am a good mother. (As I think all good parents are wont to do.) I express this to the people closest to me. If I am arguing with someone and he/she says something like "You are obviously not that concerned about your children because you *fill in the blank*" it makes me want to explode.

I react with whatever I can come up with that will prey on that person's insecurities, often with little visible "success." It seems I frequently find myself barely holding it together from the blows to my insecurity threshold, and when I try to strike back I'm told things like "You can't hurt me."

Oh and here's Number 6:
Don't say extreme things like "I hate you" or "I wish you would drop dead." Beyond being childish, those types of expressions leave lasting imprinted memories. Is that really what you were hoping to accomplish? That I would never forget where you were standing when you said "I hate you." Sure, you qualified it with "In this moment...", but seriously? Hate is a pretty strong word to be throwing around, even "in this moment."

Thing is, only a couple of years ago I argued this way. Then I met someone who just didn't participate. It taught me to grow up and stop acting like that in arguments. Why I'm upset now is that I've been dragged back down to that level.

I feel totally unappreciated, undesired, despised, and exhausted. I've tried to do the "right thing" by letting someone I care for not go homeless and move into my house. Even though said moving in has caused me problems with the father of my children, has caused my eldest child to feel insecure about her home, and has forced me to give up my personal space - which I had VERY little of anyway. Now that he's here and I've already sacrificed to defend him and my decision to let him move here, I've been cut down to a level of deep depression and ever-present smoldering anger.

My best girl friend told me that the "right thing to do" is what is best for me and my children. As of this moment, this situation is not the best thing for anyone in this house. (For the record, arguing has not happened in front of the children.) Yet I'm being asked to give it more time.

In the past I would have let this continue and tried to "work through" these issues. Now, I really don't want or care to "work" on any relationship. I spent my entire adult life prior to September 20, 2008, doing anything and everything I could to save romantic relationships. On that day, my life was spared and I was allowed to see for the first time that I don't NEED to be in a romantic relationship. I learned to be happy with myself. I learned that I don't have to be in any situation that encourages me to feel bad about myself.

Right now, I am miserable. By the end of today, I won't be any more.

No HNT This Week Folks...

2009-03-25T22:02:00.001-04:00

I'm taking a break from HNT this week. I have lots of great pictures I could use, but until I complete my first video review I REFUSE to use a weekly tag just to have a blog subject. Oh wait, I just did that anyway! :P

My first video review... well... I am a perfectionist and I can't get it just right. We'll see.

In the mean time, go ahead and

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

HNT - 1st Yard Work of the Year

2009-03-19T12:47:00.006-04:00

I love to work in my yard. Yesterday it was sunny and in the 70's. I viciously killed an out-of-control privet shrub that was trying it's hardest to suffocate my beautiful forsythia. The privet must have been growing there for at least 4 years - well before I moved in. It took almost 3 hours, but that bastard is dead.

It was my first day of working outside this calendar year, so I got a little red on my neck and shoulders. Had I taken this picture last night it would have looked like an actual sunburn.

My shoulders & upper back are actually my favorite part of my body. They are strong and with that strength I am able to accomplish lots of physically laborious tasks without the assistance of another.

So here is Number 9 of moving up my body HNT:

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

The First Time

2009-03-15T15:32:00.011-04:00

It was so comfortable to snuggle, my back against you, as we watched the movie from the couch. I felt your soft caresses running up my arms and playing with my hair as I lounged in a state of semi-aware.

I must have drifted off because suddenly the ending credits were rolling and the music from them startled me. I instinctively thrust my hips back to keep from falling off the couch, and found you ready and waiting for me to wake up. Your hand immediately came from my waist to my breast, tracing my nipple through my tee shirt. I could barely open my eyes, lounging in the warmth of your touch through my haziness.

You turned me toward you just enough to kiss my lips. A kiss so gentle, and yet so passionate my toes curled. Your hand stroked the side of my face, coaxing my eyes open. I saw your brown eyes turn to amber as you whispered

I want to make love to you

Scooping me up, you carried me into the bedroom, gently placing me on the edge of the bed. You knelt at the bottom of the bed, taking off my socks, then pants - undressing me with joy brimming over in your eyes. You stood asking me "May I have this too?" I nodded as you slowly pulled my tee shirt over my head, leaving my exposed breasts and white cotton panties.

You gently took my chin in your hand, tilting my mouth to yours. My arms encircled your neck. Soft kisses full of love and desire went from my lips, to my neck, to my shoulders, to my breasts and down my stomach. Your knees were on the bed as you leaned over me.

Hold on to me baby.

With my arms wrapped around you, you shifted us both up the bed so that my head rested on a pile of pillows. You started kissing my neck again, trailing your tongue down to my nipples, tracing them slowly- savoring the taste of me. You found the top of my panties with your mouth, asking again "May I have these?" You slid my panties down my bent legs, tracing their path down my right leg with your tongue.

You knelt between my legs, tracing my wetness with a soft touch of your finger, your other hand tracing the curves of my chest and stomach, your eyes hypnotizing mine.

Your face came to mine, our lips brushing with eyes wide open. I pulled your shirt from you so I could feel your skin against mine. You rested there, on me, but not yet in me. Swirling memories of gentle kisses, whispers of adoration, feather touches on my skin, your breath on my face, the honesty of your eyes.

I welcomed you into me slowly, eyes connected, minds entangled. We moved together in the most natural of ways without haste or goals. Your eyes stayed with me with every thrust, one of my hands joined with yours, the other holding your face.

As the heat started traveling the length of my body, I saw your face flush and heard your breath quicken. In a solitary moment, everything that had seemed impossible was real. We felt our souls connect as our orgasms escaped, you giving me yourself in a way we didn't know could happen. The most beautiful moment of my sexual life.

HNT - number 8

2009-03-10T22:00:00.005-04:00

(of the series)

Up the chest to the neck(lace). H is not my initial... :)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Confidence

2009-03-10T21:13:00.008-04:00

Today I went to see a new counselor. Some of you know why. This was at the free clinic - well, at least I will probably qualify for it being free because of my low income. Anywho...

The counselor ran through about 12 or so pages of yes, no, or one-word answer questions. Not long after, "Do you have a history of depression in your family?" she asks

What is your sexual orientation?

I made a little face because I wasn't sure "queer" would be accurate from her own interpretation of it. She said, "You know like straight, gay, bisexual." Hmmmm Well....

"I'm queer and I say that because I am attracted to people that don't fall under the traditional labels of man or woman."

Her face reflected both confusion and a little panic. It wasn't fear - She just had absolutely no idea what to say.

She is a sweet woman who was kind and is probably going to be a great person to talk to about my "issues." But...let's be fair: I live in East Tennessee. Her apparently decent heart persona warranted a gentle explanation.

"You see, I am in a relationship with a male-identified person who is female-bodied."

She paused and processed momentarily, and turned to her desk to write some notes.

Thing is, I just came out to my uncle and his wife. They made a point to tell me how much they love me and always will no matter who I love. My immediate family (siblings, parents, older nieces/nephews) knows I'm not straight, but they don't all know about my new partner.

My mother does know. Today when we spoke she asked me a question about my partner and started to say "she", but then changed it to "he." Then she asked me which he prefers - which would "make him or her more comfortable." Again, I am so blessed.

So when the counselor asked me my "orientation", it didn't even occur to me to lie. See, at the end of the day I know the people who love me, love me for who I am. I don't lie about who I am to those I trust. Some betray that trust, but I forgive them - because at least I was being who I really am.

This confidence comes from not only being with a partner who wants me for the way I really am, but from my family's support and kindness.

So if you are with someone who wants you to change things about you that aren't necessary for your health, go find someone who really wants you.

And if someone in your family is "different", be sure to tell them how much you celebrate their differences and love them.

3 of 3 HNT

2009-03-05T08:58:00.004-05:00

The last of the little white lacy tank shots... the 7th shot of my "up my body" series.

I see more than 2 arms...

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Loved with Secrets

2009-03-04T16:41:00.008-05:00

Yesterday I got home from a 6 day trip with my children and my aunt to see her brother and his wife. My aunt lives here in my home small town and the uncle/wife live about 300 miles away.

My aunt, R, is an ultraconservative woman with strong Christian convictions. She is very well educated and very well read of the Bible. She is loving, kind and generous. We do not always agree on things, but she is respectful of our differences.

M's wife, E, is a child and family counselor. She has published 3 books while working for various state, private and charitable organizations. She is witty and compassionate. E has been married to M for about 19 years.

My uncle, M, has a PhD. in special education and directs one of the largest special education school districts in the country. He taught me from an early age to appreciate those with special needs as unique individuals. He is also well traveled around the world, and once met Gandhi's wife while living on a commune in India. He is more of a father to me than his brother has ever been.

I have never told R about my sexual orientation, and I don't really think she has any ideas about it. I assume she will find out one day and I hope it doesn't made her truly sad and worried for me. She did actually meet my ex-girlfriend at a family gathering I hosted, but I'm not so sure she understood what was going on. She was really there for me when I had to leave my ex-husband. Still, she would think I have been possessed or am intoxicated constantly if she knew.

I decided before this trip that I would tell M and his wife E about my sexual orientation. I wanted ask E for her advice on dealing with my ex-husband. He makes inappropriate sexually charged statements. He has also been condescending and making small threats about my romantic relationship. It is difficult to handle.

E and I went for a walk while R & M took kids to the movies. I told her a lot. More than I thought I would. I explained what it was like to have crushes on girls and women when I didn't know anyone that did. I revealed private emotional reasons I have about why I have made some big mistakes while not being who I really am.

She told me that families shouldn't have secrets. She then made a point to tell me about many GL friends she has. Considering her location is another southern state close to mine, she has quite a few non-straight friends.

At one point in our discussion, I told E about my current partner - a FTM. She said she didn't really understand why I would be attracted to a male when I had just told her I am much more attracted to women than men. She paused, smiled and said, "But it doesn't really matter if I understand." She was wonderful.

I told E she could tell M about our discussion, and that I would talk to him about it myself if I had the chance. I didn't have the chance and I wasn't sure she told him until...

The morning we were to leave, he came to me away from everyone else and said

I am so proud of you. I will love you no matter who you are or who you love. You are a wonderful mother and person. You are doing a great job with your children.

I am so blessed.

E is right:
Families shouldn't have secrets.

HNT - Take you to the other side

2009-02-26T02:20:00.003-05:00

The flip side of last week's post...with a hand lent by Sir.

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Prejudice Part 2 - Gender

2009-02-24T16:34:00.003-05:00

It's taken me a while, but here is the second installment of my Prejudice series.

I am a female-bodied woman. The greatest influences in my childhood were two very strong women: my mother and my paternal grandmother.

My grandmother was widowed at a relatively young age and never remarried. She had a large house with over an acre of yard that she kept maintained better than most parks you have to pay to see. She also kept a large garden that she plowed and managed by herself. She worked hard at her job and was well known and respected in our small town community. She had a grace and dignity that I have never seen in any other person. She never raised her voice – she never had to. She commanded respect because of her respect for other people.

My mother worked very hard at a very physically and emotionally demanding job, while her husband (my biological father) contributed very little to the household. While working 60 hours a week, and with two adolescent children, my mother went back to college and graduated magna cum laude. She taught me that I could overcome any obstacle with my own strength – including an abusive marriage. (Again, another topic for another day.)

The main similarity in these two remarkable women is that they never let anyone tell them their actions depended on them being female. Both of them took care of things that needed to be taken care of – whether or not they had help. I grew up knowing I could do anything a male-bodied person can do, specifically that being a woman does not limit my potential.

As a young adult, I entered the wonderful world of law at a solo practitioner's office in this same small town. I started off as a file clerk and worked my way up to the highest position available short of becoming an attorney. I'm very good at law. It makes sense to me and I really enjoy studying it. That office is where I saw some of the very worst gender prejudice of my life.

I was often referred to as “that little curly headed girl at (attorney's name)'s office.” Men would come in for a professional legal consultation-type meeting with me and say things like, “Oh it's a shame you are married. Are you sure I can't take you to lunch?” and, if they had only previously communicated with me via phone or email, “Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise. Pretty and smart.”

I knew what I was doing. My boss and most other legal professionals treated me with great respect because they also knew I knew what I was doing. Still, those comments served their purpose quite well: they stripped me from my knowledge and left me with my looks and leaving me feeling that only my looks were “worthy” of note. By the time I left that office, I had started deliberately wearing very plain clothing, pulling my hair into a bun, and attempting to look at boring as possible. Not that I was previously wearing provocative clothing – I just decided I couldn't really be myself if I wanted to be respected. This is part of the reason I don't work there any more.

What bothers me are incorrect expectations of gender: Women can't be smart and pretty. Men can't be strong and sensitive. If you are transgendered you are expected to be all and none of those descriptions at the same time.

At what point will our society stop forcing individual expectations on people based on gender?

Dictionary.com:
prejudice: (definitions 2 &3)
2. any preconceived opinion or feeling, either favorable or unfavorable.
3. unreasonable feelings, opinions, or attitudes, esp. of a hostile nature, regarding a racial, religious, or national group.

Of course we will never be able to rid ourselves completely of preconceived opinions and I don't claim to be without such. What I propose is that you make a conscious effort to set those prejudices aside and attempt to relate to individuals rather than genders.

To see what prejudices you really have you need to observe yourself observing others. Pick a day when you will be out in public, among lots of people you don't know – like at a mall. Sit and watch the people go by. Recognize your expectations from those people purely based on their gender.

But it's more than knowing your own limitations. It's about treating people with respect, regardless of their gender.

It is important to me that my children know they don't have to do or not do anything because of their genders. I will feel I have been successful as parent if my children grow to a place where they are sensitive to the fact that everyone is not the same - That people are all different on the inside no matter what gender they are on the outside. That all people are of value and deserve to be treated as such.

As a person who cares intimately for a transgendered person, I frequently see the expectations of people and how much those expectations hurt someone who doesn't meet them.

We all want to feel accepted and loved. It isn't your place or mine to judge someone's character by their appearance, including their gender appearance. That is prejudice.

MicroFantasy Monday - Waterside

2009-02-23T19:38:00.004-05:00

We pull the boat over to a wooded vacant shore. The day's party is forcing a "bathroom break." Everyone scrambles to claim their part of the woods. You follow me into the woods, ignoring my protests of modesty.

I'll wait over here.

When I finish and look, you aren't there. I start back toward the boat, wondering why you left me. I'm getting irritated that you insisted on following me, but then didn't wait for me.

Suddenly you step out from behind a group of 3 large trees, grabbing my arm. As I gasp in surprise, your lips find mine, sucking the gasp from my mouth. The bark scratches my bare stomach as you push me against a tree, your hands tugging down my bikini bottom.

Purple Surrender

2009-02-20T21:18:00.003-05:00

I really love purple. It is somewhat extreme actually, especially for someone who likes to work on house projects with power tools, rake leaves and push mow the yard (even though I'm not great at all that.)

So imagine my joy in using a purple flogger. Seeing the purple cause the red. Hearing the purple cause the gasps. Smelling the scent. Touching the welts. Tasting...

It would have been nice if the collar had been purple. It really was a little comical looking to me. That didn't subtract from the pulse through my spine as I jerked it down and back with the leash.

I would love to fuck in a dark purple room. Like deep violet. Oh, with silky purple sheets so I when I push you down, you can't really resist - You just slide wherever I put you.

HNT - Working my way up

2009-02-18T21:25:00.009-05:00

You probably haven't noticed, but since my HNT post on 01/14/09, I've been working my way up my body in posts. First it was shoes, then legs, then hip, then more hip (stretch marks). So today I present:

Lower back

I could fix it with a photo editor, but I think I like how the light catches more in some places than others - or maybe it's some sort of focus issue. Whatever. I really need a camera.

AND

I wasn't going to use this one and was going to go with upper abs instead, but someone (ERIN LEONE) said he likes lower backs and then honored me with a mention...

AND

I AM NOT A TEASE!!!!

Oh, and this officially confirms
Baby got back. :)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Totally Fuckable Tuesday - Olivia Wilde

2009-02-16T19:45:00.009-05:00

I have watched "House" pretty faithfully since it began because I've always thought the character House to be just so sexy in a bad-guy kinda way.

Then the cast changed, and now House pales in comparison to his co-star, Olivia Wilde.

I even bought a magazine about something I am not really interested in because she was on the cover.

Yeah... wouldn't you have?

I much prefer her as a brunette, although since she is a natural blonde I thought I should let you decide for yourself.

Credit to Beautiful Dreamer for starting me on TFT. It's a great idea. Seriously. What a great excuse to post pictures of hot people I'd shag on my page? ;)

Purple Tulips - Microfantasy Monday #4

2009-02-15T19:47:00.003-05:00

We were good after the first date, restraining ourselves to only serious kissing. When we realized we both had the next night free, we immediately made plans.

I drove over to your house, anticipatory wetness seeping through my panties. You thought it was funny that I just threw on a tee shirt and jogging pants. I said I didn't think it was necessary to dress up when I knew the clothes were just going to land on the floor anyway.

We agreed we should eat first. You had already set the table and brought food into the dining room. I could barely look at you while we ate because of the images of you finally consuming me dancing through my mind. When I was able to look up, you would drop your eyes – you were having the same thoughts. I don't think I've ever eaten so fast in my life.

When we finished eating I grabbed my plate and headed to the kitchen. I saw the potted purple tulips sitting on the kitchen counter. They were a deep dark purple, my very favorite. I actually assumed they were a gift you had received as a house warming present, and said so. You came up behind me, wrapping your strong arms around me, whispering

They are for you - just the first of many things I have for you tonight.

Happily Imperfect HNT

2009-02-11T15:20:00.008-05:00

I love posting sexy pictures and getting comments. Who doesn't like flattery? You may say you don't, but come on now - we are all insecure in some way and compliments from others boost our self esteem.

This one isn't so sexy. I tried to get a good picture of my hip stretch marks. My camera sucks, so here's what you get.

And in case you missed them....

Where did I get these marks? Pregnancy. 2 kids in under 2 years. You know what? I'm proud of these marks. Yes, I am terribly self conscious at times about them, but as time passes I grow more and more fond of them. They remind me of the joy of growing 2 human beings in my body, and of the 2 gifts I got in return for them. The greatest loves of my life.

(And I did notice my undies are on inside-out when I saw this picture. Also a lovely reminder of my mom status.)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Sex Toys, That Company, & Blogs

2009-02-11T13:02:00.007-05:00

I suddenly realized these are all sitting on a towel on my dresser out in the open. They weren't all used at once or on the same day, I'm just too lazy to put them away after letting them dry from cleaning. This isn't my whole collection, but yes - I do have an obvious affinity for pink. :)

I really enjoy sex toys. As my current income is ridiculously low, the only toys I have gotten in the last couple of months have been free ones from a company (see banner on right) for free.

I shop at that company for sex toys because it is the only online company I have found that specifically provides information about material safety with the product descriptions. Before finding that company I had no idea that some sex toys could be (and one actually has been) hazardous to my health. Even before I was getting free toys from said company I was recommending it to my friends and shopping there.

You will notice there are no sex toy reviews hosted here on my blog. To be perfectly honest, I don't know enough about HTML to host my reviews here rather than on that company's site. There are other companies I could offer myself to for review purposes, and I have done so, but this blog is relatively new and I have been rejected for that reason. I will likely someday post reviews here, but for now, I'm not.

There have been some problems between reviewers and that company. I have seen that company respond in ways I do not like to reviewer complaints. I have seen reviewers leave and I feel they are completely justified in doing so. Currently I have voiced concerns on the company's forums about some of the "guides" they have published on-site. I hate them and I want them changed, but I don't know exactly who to contact about that. I fully intend to keep making noise about it until something is done. I read today that there is a plan to do something about it in progress, so I'm giving them time to do that before I really start ranting.

Some people say that company is not "sex-positive" and that because of that and the problems some reviewers have had, it is not a company worthy of reviewer participation. Again, from what I have seen I don't blame those reviewers for being angry; however, at this point in my limited experience I feel the benefits of material safety information outweigh the negative experiences I have had with that company.

Last week a very influential "sex blogger" said that people shouldn't have so many toys reviews on their blogs. A couple of other influential "sex bloggers" jumped on board. All of them generally said that they hate seeing so many toy reviews, that the companies people are writing for are not "sex-positive", and that people shouldn't call themselves a "sex blogger" if the majority of their blog posts are sex toy reviews. Sex toy reviewers responded, understandably, with hurt and frustration.

Guess what? You are reading MY blog. You chose to keep reading to this point and you are more than welcome to stop reading it and move on. I write about sex related topics here, including experiences in gender, sexuality, and toys. Look at my blog roll. Those are people I respect enough to list their blogs on mine. If you actually go look at their blogs you will see an almost even mix of sex toy reviews and other sexual topics such as gender and experience.

Point: If you want to call yourself a sex blogger, a monkey blogger, or anything else, I really don't care. If you want to write about sex toys, yipee! If you want to write about your thoughts on sexism, yipee! If you don't like that company and because I advertise for them you don't want to read my posts, yipee! I'm going to read what I want and you are going to write about what you want. Am I a "sex blogger"? Probably. Are people who primarily review sex toys on their blogs "sex bloggers"? My opinion: Well, duh - they are reviewing SEX toys.

*Disclaimer: There are some sex toy reviewer blogs that are really awful. If you read a blog and the posts never mention material safety concerns, sharing issues (whether or not the toy can be safely shared), or most of the posts seem more like advertisements for a company than reviews of products - you should probably take a look at my blog roll for better reviews.*

Otherwise,
Please stop criticizing. There are lots of blogs out there about lots of different topics and I don't see why you even care about the topics of others' blog posts. Don't read them if you don't like them.

Now, as for me

I need to go do something with those toys...

Let it Burn - Microfantasy Monday #3

2009-02-09T22:52:00.008-05:00

Almost as good as the fucking was her cooking. Damnable woman knew my weakness for her chicken casserole. I pulled up to her place, hungry for her pussy and her food. I knocked, she called out "Come in, it's open." I walked in and didn't see her.

Where are you?

In the kitchen. I almost have dinner ready.

She was stirring something on the counter wearing nothing but a red plaid apron, her breasts straining against the shoulder straps, nipples barely covered. Our eyes met: My eyes conveying my intentions, her eyes responding with a little fear. Pressing her against the counter, I spread her legs with my foot. As I entered her from behind, she bent over the counter, mouth falling open.

The casserole needs to come out of the oven.

Let it burn.

Microfantasy Monday #2 - Travel

2009-02-09T19:49:00.002-05:00

It seemed like a great idea: taking all of our children together on a trip. We didn't realize it would result in a nearly sexless vacation. Finally one night the kids are staying with grandparents and we've been given the “see ya in the morning.” We go to the club, drink, admire the insanely hot bartender girls, and speculate as to which would be the most fun to pick up for the night. But we can't keep our hands off each other long enough to attempt to talk to one, so we leave. We run to the van, getting drenched with the rain. You lean over and wipe the water from my cleavage, and then drop your head to kiss the valley. I push you back into your seat, unzipping your pants and taking you fully in my mouth. You start driving. We pull into the condo parking lot, the heat steaming the windows. We climb to the back of the van. In the morning we see the footprints on the window.

A study on ethnography and dykes

2009-02-07T11:07:00.000-05:00

A repost. Please repost & participate.

Do you identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, bi-curious, queer, questioning, or otherwise same-sex attracted? Are you of African American or Latina descent? Are you age 18 and older? Even if you prefer not to label yourself, we are interested in your experience!

I am a doctoral student at Emory University conducting research on attitudes about sexual identity and community held by same-sex attracted women of African American or Latina descent

Participation involves the completion of an online questionnaire and will take approximately 30 minutes of your time.

Your participation is voluntary and anonymous.

If you are interested in participating in this study please follow the link provided below or cut and paste the link into your web browser:

http://emory.qualtrics.com/SE?SID=SV_bskzTz0WmmBpzA8&SVID=Prod

You may also assist with this project by forwarding this e-mail request to LGBT-themed organizations and listservs, and/or to same-sex attracted individuals.

To request additional information or questions about this study, or to request a hard copy of the questionnaire in English or Spanish please contact Monique Carry at ccarry@emory.edu . Thank you,

Monique Carry Doctoral Candidate, Sociology Department of Sociology Emory University, Atlanta GA ccarry@emory.edu

Can You Really Watch This Without Tears?

2009-02-06T10:11:00.000-05:00

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

HNT - Reminder

2009-02-04T22:10:00.005-05:00

Out with friends. Sneaking into the bathroom just to remind you.

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

-ing

2009-02-04T21:32:00.006-05:00

Feeling your eyes staying on me, even as I am walking away. What a talent, making them think you are interested while you are buzzing me with that remote. I see the way you touch their arms, shoulders while you are talking– ever the gentleman charming the ladies.

Finding ourselves on the dance floor. The music is a perfect hot rhythm, the sex energy of the club beating louder than the bass.

Feeling her behind me as I'm dancing closer to you. Seeing your eyes watching as her hands travel up and down my body, grasping my breasts, squeezing my ass. Our eyes locking, you telling me you like watching her desire for me knowing you are the one who will be tasting me later.

Buzz. Buzz......Me smiling with just with the corners of my mouth to let you know it is working. You pulling my head to yours and kissing me long and deep while the music pulses through the three of us – you, me, her. Your strong arms pulling her closer to me, closer to you.

We've got to get out of here. Getting the tab, getting outside. Walking to the car... the bouncers staring at your hand on my ass. Feeling your wetness while you start the car. My hands traveling under your pants, you pushing me back. Keeping my hands on you as you drive, enjoying the payback of the time you tortured me while I drove.

Pushing my dress up, pulling my tights down, standing in the hallway as you pull the bullet from my dripping pussy and drive yourself into me. My knees buckling. You holding me up while fucking me slow and steady, but so hard I gasp with each thrust. I am fighting it because I want to wait, but you are pushing and pushing.

Suddenly everything is stopping. You grabbing me up like a doll and shoving me to the bedroom. Ripping the rest of the clothes from my body as I hover on the brink. Flipping me onto my stomach to take me from behind. Pounding me from behind, you watching your cock slide in and out. Me shuddering and screaming into the pillow. My body is so hot, my skin flushing with the heat of you.

I'm not stopping until you spray the sheets like a dirty whore.

Feeling your finger at my ass. Filling me up from behind while driving me down into the bed at your mercy. Leaning down onto my back, reaching around and pinching my clit with your free hand.

Be a good girl. Give it to me.

Microfantasy #1 - Neverland

2009-02-01T23:02:00.006-05:00

As always, the music is blaring as I shower, singing away the dirt off my soul. At the moment I turn the water off, in a pause between songs I hear the banging on the kitchen door. Who could it be? I'm not expecting anyone at 8:00 p.m. on a Wednesday night. The kids are with their father and my cell phone is in the bathroom with me - the father would have called if something was wrong.

I quickly pat down and toss on my robe. The knocking keeps going. Someone is really wanting my attention. Peeking out the dining room curtains I can barely see the outline of a sedan-like car because I haven't left any porch lights on and it's dark.

This is making me a little scared. I lock the deadbolt and flip on the porch light.

My head feels dizzy as I see you standing there from behind the door curtain. You smile that smile that melts me. I open the door. It's been years since I've seen you, but you look the same, just better.

"Why...what....I just got out of the shower."

"I figured. I heard the music" That same smile.

"Is something wrong? Did something happen to you or your kids?"

"No. May I come in?"

I open the door. "Come on in, let me go get some clothes on."

Mostly running to the bedroom, my mind races. What in the world are you doing here? Should I try to put on make up? Hmmm, you always said you thought me the prettiest right out of the shower. Maybe not. What can I put on? You know I wear jogging pants at home. Ok. Those red ones are cute and still casual. Crap. I think my heart is going to explode. Damn damn tears. This can only be because you want me. Right?

Ok. Just breathe.

Prejudice - Part 1 - Race

2009-01-31T09:55:00.008-05:00

Recently I was told that a comparison by Keith Olbermann, and a subsequent comparison by myself, of race and sexuality would be offensive to that person if he were black. This prompts me to write on prejudice - my definition of it and how it has affected my life.

For clarity:
1. I am white. All white. Not a hint of mixed race appears in my skin color, eyes, or hair.
2. I was born female.
3. I grew up in a small town in Tennessee where there are more Baptist churches than banks.
4. I was raised in the First Baptist Church of said small town.
5. I graduated from high school with approximately 192 peers, only possibly 10 or so of which were not white.
6. I have been more attracted to female bodied people than male since age 5. I say age 5 because that's the very earliest I can remember any kind of attraction, and it was to a girl.
7. I dated men and married one until only a couple of years ago.

First: Race

I grew up in a family of intellects. After the holiday big meals, my family spent time together discussing world events, reading National Geographic Magazines, working 1500 piece puzzles, playing chess, etc. We never watched football and I didn't even realize football games are played on American Thanksgiving Day until I was an adult.

My familial environment was always friendly and accepting to all types of people. I recall that my uncle had a friend or girlfriend who was of Asian decent with a child near my age. I remember the time they spent with my family, recalling specifically that I understood the child was no different in any way than I. No racial slurs were ever used, even though such words were perfectly acceptable in our community.

In fact I can recall a handful of times I came home from school and said called my younger sister a name I had heard at school which was actually a form of a racial slur. I was punished severely for it - even though I had no idea the words were referencing a race.

Around age 10 I started reading the works of Maya Angelou. Her words, especially the accounts of her own life, reaffirmed what I had always been taught: race is just part of who someone is, not something to distinguish them from others in a negative way.

So I continued on in school, treating everyone equally regardless of their race - although to be fair with the small handful of non-white kids in my school it wasn't hard for me to be nondiscriminatory.

I stayed in downtown Atlanta for about 3 months between high school and college. I do mean downtown Atlanta. Right near the Georgia Tech campus. I made friends with people of all sorts of color who had come from all over the world to study at GT. I walked or rode the MARTA everywhere. I never once felt uneasy or uncomfortable being one of only a half-dozen or so white people on the trains. I remember giving every stranger the same small smile of acceptance I still extend when eye contact is made. In fact, the only time I ever did feel scared was when a train pulled into a station and right as the doors opened, gun fire started. I suppose anyone would have felt scared in that situation.

Then I went to college in New Mexico. I dated a boy who told me one Saturday night that he had to get home early so that he could get up at 6:00 a.m. the next morning for his grandmother's birthday. I asked him what in the world he would be doing at 6:00 a.m. for his grandmother's birthday. He explained his family would be (word I cannot locate anywhere on the web). I questioned what that involved. He said they would be singing to her, having breakfast together, attending mass and a few other events. I asked if this was something he family made up to celebrate birthdays. He looked at me and said "No, this is part of my culture." I asked what culture - his response "I'm Mexican." We had been seeing each other for about 2 months and it never crossed my mind that he was Mexican, or of any other particular culture.

To this day I don't "see race." I've read that this is not necessarily a good thing, and to some extent, I agree. I am fascinated by people of all cultures and sometimes I miss opportunities to learn about those cultures because it doesn't even occur to me to ask.

I read books by authors of all sorts of races about all sorts of races. I am currently reading a novel about a romance between two black people who are from completely different backgrounds: One is from Brooklyn, the other from Côte d'Ivoire. The book is about cultural differences, even if the people have the same color skin.

(Actually, I know these cultural differences well because I am scared to death of some of the redneck people in my hometown and they are just as white as I - especially when I hear them speak of other races.)

When I look back at the history of the United States concerning the treatment of not only black people, but of all people of a different skin color than white, I am embarrassed and I feel badly for those who have suffered. I do not feel guilty or like I have to "make up for it." I just know in my heart that all people are people and the beauty of a person lies in his/her heart, not on the surface of his/her skin.

Back to why this came up:
Skin color is a genetic code, and most scientific evidence I have read points that sexuality is not. I know a handful of people who are of mixed races such that their skin color is a lovely blend of carmels (definitely not white.) A couple are from non-U.S. countries and have a different cultural background than I. The rest were raised right here in the good ole U.S. of A. In fact, one of them tells me he is "more American" than I because he loves his Ipod, laptop, and all other sorts of gadgetry that I haven't even heard of. (To date, I cannot use an Ipod to save my life.)

People of mixed races often choose what to call themselves: be it African-American, Mexican, whatever label they pick. The laws of the U.S.A. prohibit discrimination against them based on the label they pick.

I am"white" and I pick "queer." Why do many of the laws of the U.S.A. promote discrimination against me because I pick "queer?" Yes, I could choose to live my life straight, but it isn't who I am.

So in other postings when I compare the fact that I cannot, by virtue of prejudice, marry another woman, to the fact that black people couldn't legally marry in some U.S. states until 1967, I mean no disrespect to non-whites. I am simply pointing out that the U.S. is still discriminating with prejudice.

Inspiration - Thanks CK!

2009-01-30T22:34:00.006-05:00

Thank you CK. I've been all yucky for a couple of weeks because I cannot afford health insurance to pay for bipolar medication I need. Diet & Exercise aren't cutting it - just for the record. Now you've given me fuel and passion to address something. (Notice I'm not linking to your blog.)

The discussion was involving the State of California ruling that a private Christian school can expel 2 girls who had an "alleged" homosexual relationship, arising from dear Roland's blog. My response:

Let them be expelled, but also make absolutely certain that school is getting ZERO tax dollars. If you want to keep church & state separate, please do so. I would just rather my tax dollars not support a "school" where intolerance is being taught and where I would not be allowed to attend.

CK's response to my response:

But then you have to make sure that money doesn't go to things that violate the conscience of others. Rejecting homosexuality violates yours. Paying for abortions violates mine.

Seriously?

Of course "rejecting homosexuality" violates my conscience. DUH. It is PREJUDICE.

Yourdictionary.com:

prejudice Definition

preju·dice (prej′ə dis)

noun

a judgment or opinion formed before the facts are known; preconceived idea, favorable or, more usually, unfavorable
1. a judgment or opinion held in disregard of facts that contradict it; unreasonable bias a prejudice against modern art
2. the holding of such judgments or opinions
suspicion, intolerance, or irrational hatred of other races, creeds, regions, occupations, etc.
injury or harm resulting as from some judgment or action of another or others

And now to quote Keith Olbermann, in part, from his extraordinarily articulate discussion of Prop 8:

If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal... in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry...black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are... gay.

One day CK's comparison of homosexuality and abortion will be just as accepted as segregation of black people on the bus is today.

Totally Fuckable Tuesday - Michael Rosenbaum

2009-01-27T22:56:00.004-05:00

I love geeks & nerds. Always have. BUT

Something in me likes the bad guy/girl. The villain of the movie/show. Lucky for me Smallville has gone from one totally hot bad guy to a totally hot bad girl

Michael Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor. Seriously one of the only men on the planet that makes me tingly in the panties... but only as Lex Luthor. :)

In case you don't watch Smallville, you should be aware that Lex Luthor has "disappeared" and now Tess Mercer has taken over as the villain. Cassidy Freeman is just delicious as the bad girl. I love her flaming hair and flashing eyes.

Both evil. Both Totally Fuckable.

Seven

2009-01-23T18:52:00.006-05:00

Seven

So I've been tagged by Sienna in this 7 things memo.

Rules are:

Link to your host tagger
Write 7 things about yourself.
List the rules.
Tag 7 new people.

I sing all the time. Even if I don't know the words and my voice sounds like a prepubescent boy. I also dance constantly. Music I enjoy moves through me as another heartbeat. One of my favorite places to be is a local club on Saturday nights. The music is hot, the people are hot, and everyone is moving with the same sexual energy.

Speaking of music – everything goes (much like my sexuality) EXCEPT COUNTRY. Seriously. Take your Kenny Chesney back to planet Moron and leave he and his friends there. I'm really into dance music because I'm dancer, but I also love Tool, The Killers, Paramour, The Veronicas, Stone Temple Pilots, Jet, Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

I use only all natural organic products to clean my home. Vinegar and hot water can clean the smell out of almost anything and make your floors super shiny. :)

I'm a Gemini. Lust for life, living passionate, with no less then 2 sides of personality.

I'm told I have a “plethora of various sarcastic looks” which pass on my face at random times. Hmmm.... My motto: Better to be a smart ass than a dumb one.

I'm the smartest airhead you could ever meet. I remember everything I ever read or learn, but I can't find my sunglasses on top of my head. I'm a GEEKY NERD!! I LOVE to read, love school, love learning. Now... where were those sunglasses?

I have the very greatest real life friends, especially 2 of them. I've have known them both for over 20 years – we grew up in the same small town and attended the same schools. We were not friends with each other, but not enemies. Then, thanks to a social website, we reunited at a birthday party. We have been inseparable since. I will die old with these people.

I tag: Kyle, Militant Ginger, Eliot, SaintChick , Sleeping Dreamer ,
Syntaxual , and last BUT definitely NOT LEAST, Sroxy

HNT - Opportunity

2009-01-21T13:32:00.007-05:00

I love the way the sun feels on my skin. I'm like a flower who withers and dies without some sunshine on my skin on a fairly regular basis.

I take every opportunity to get sun - including when riding in the car. I love to be in the front passenger seat, tilt the seat back and prop my feet up on the dash. I get lots of sun on my legs and the appreciative honks of passing drivers are nice too. :)

(This was taken in the fall, when it was still warm)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Totally Fuckable Tuesday

2009-01-20T16:36:00.005-05:00

Thanks to Beautiful Dreamer (via Sienna) for reminding me of a wonderful topic I can use today when I have seemingly lost the ability to write anything original...

Totally Fuckable Tuesday!

Since she's my favorite actress ever:

Neve Campbell. Oh my.

The way her eyes squint a little when she grins, those fabulous dancer's legs, her porcelain skin... not to mention she has an amazing talent with acting. She radiates natural beauty, with an ever-present smoldering sensuality.

(I hate her clothes in that pic... but it is one of the best shots of her smile.)

Ok... and seriously – who didn't like “Wild Things”

HNT - In Honor of Shoes

2009-01-14T20:52:00.006-05:00

Sparkling, strappy high heels, my favorite pair.

Here's to you, my femme lovers. :)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Knowing

2009-01-14T20:29:00.004-05:00

A lovely date. Glances back and forth with knowing smiles. Greatly enjoying the fact that no one at the bar even suspects what's really going on. (Silly small minded people can't even imagine what's going to happen.)

Getting in the car, finally being able to kiss. Riding home, I turn on music to stay focused on driving, just to make it home without straddling him. We sing along, my hand on her leg, resting in her hand - A soft thumb stroking my forefinger. The heater isn't on, but the heat is building in the car, causing sweat to start trickling down my chest under my sweater.

“Gimme gimme more, gimme more... you got me in a crazy position...you got my permission”

I stare straight ahead, realizing it isn't the two beers I drank, but his intense focus on me that is making is harder and harder to concentrate on driving. He starts pressing my hand down onto his thigh, sliding it closer and closer to the heat coming from his pants. I can't look over or I surely will wreck the car.

Years of moments later, we are finally home. I'm pulling the parking brake while being pulled to her precious lips. Tasting for so long we start getting cold. I climb over into the passenger seat just to keep from breaking physical contact as we get out of the car.

“I want this”, taking my sweater...my bra is undone and I'm not sure when that happened. Sneaky. It's tossed with the sweater. My mind is planning ahead. This time I'm going to get what I want first. Not easily done with him, but I know his weakness...me naked and then surprise.

Pushing away, “I've got to go to the bathroom, seriously.” Laughing in my mind. He scowls, but lets go. I go into the bathroom, strip off my shoes, socks, jeans, panties and wait. And wait some more, knowing he is getting impatient. Giggling, I go back to the bedroom.

He's really annoyed and grabs me roughly, trying to push me down onto the bed. I sit on the edge of the bed, legs spread, and start lightly stroking myself. When he steps back to watch, I stand up, pressing my chest against his. I start running my hands all over him, swaying my body against his in a defined rhythmic pattern, with no music playing. Dropping to my knees, I pull his belt buckle and pants open, pulling his boxers down to kiss the inside of his hip bone. He moans, pushing my head toward his throbbing cock, but I stay at his hip bone, with kisses and bites.

I circle around her on my knees, kissing her hip line, using the opportunity to pull her pants completely down and off. Slowly I start rolling my body up the length of her legs and back. I shove him to his knees on the edge of the bed, working my hand everywhere into his boxers.

There's no resistance as I start scratching patterns in her back, holding her down, while swirling a single finger around her ever swelling clit. Her moans are soft, but he has dropped his head, giving up the last of his arrogance to my touch. Plunging two fingers into her while digging my nails into her shoulder brings a low guttural moan that nearly drives me into frantic heat, but I restrain myself into a steady in-out pulse.

I push her further onto the bed until I can rest my knees between hers. In, out, in, out, biting her back, she's clamping down on my fingers so hard, so wet. I feel my own juices dribbling down my leg. I pull my hand down from her shoulder to circle her clit. She's struggling to hold on, still resisting the complete release.

“You know I'm not going to stop”

No audible response, only pushing against my hands. Slipping a third finger in, I turn my hand so that my knuckles are rubbing her spot. The headboard beats the rhythm of the fucking against the wall. Her body betrays her, giving in to me, shuddering and spasming.

Suddenly he's flipping me onto my back. Plunging into me with absolutely no warning. My cunt is so ready the sting is momentary.

“You knew doing that would only make me want to fuck you harder bitch.”

“Yes Sir.”

Gathering me into his arms, he flips me again so that I'm riding his cock, his hands pulling my head to touch our foreheads. I'm barely moving as he thrusts into me from below.

“Turn around”

Facing away from him, on my knees, riding him, nearly lying on the bed between his legs. I spread my legs and bend my head down to watch. He is looking too, our eyes meeting where his cock is sliding in and out of me...exchanging the same knowing smiles.

This Person

2009-01-13T16:04:00.002-05:00

This person:

There was a woman waiting in the line to the ladies restroom who gave me a dirty “don't come in here” look, but I couldn't use the men's because there was a man coming down the hall who gave me the same look.

Is the same person as this person:

I can't show myself but I can't hide myself. And the pressure of holding it all in to protect everyone else just builds and builds.

... And I'm working on it. The whole self respect thing. Because I deserve it. I know I do. Just so damn hard sometimes. So hard.

It is sad that I'm laughed at and called too nice by men for treating women with basic courtesy when they should take notes.

So many lack the capacity, compassion and most often even the desire to understand, let alone comprehend difference. And even then some still can't accept it on a base level, let alone embrace it.

I would be fine for the rest of my life conforming on the outside when need be to be able to have one person who accepts me.

How is it that they judge?

What makes them think they know an inner heart from a physical appearance?

Some of the most physically “beautiful” people are ugly inside. Yet they can go anywhere they please in public without swift judgment on their characters passed upon a single glance.

The same person who notices I forgot my coat when we go outside to smoke, so he brings his, wraps me in it – his own arms bare to the freezing temperatures.

Into

2009-01-11T00:28:00.006-05:00

The crowd diminished while the bar closed. Seas of eyes and faces blurred before me. Then I blinked and there he was. Standing with his friends, talking to woman. A shudder passed through me, but I knew I couldn't leave without saying something.

I walked up behind him and stood, his essence permeating my senses. Waiting until he had a pause in his conversation, I stood up on my toes and whispered in his ear, “I'm not trying to get in the middle of anything, but you should know how hot you are.”

(I am so into you)

“What??”

“I mean, if you aren't single or something I don't want to cause trouble, it's just that I couldn't leave without telling you that.”

“I am single. Very single,” a big smile spreading across his face. He turned away from his friend to look straight down into my eyes.

(I wonder how it will be to have you in me.)

The first kiss was shockingly soft, her lips perfectly closing on mine with the sweetest taste of desire. We broke apart, exchanging unmistakable looks.

“My place is a wreck, a real bachelor's pad.”

“Does that mean we're going to fuck on the floor?”

“No,” smiling.

“Well then it doesn't really matter to me.”

More of those lips. Those exquisitely soft lips. Lips, hands, arms, hair: everything tangling fiercely, urgently.

Pulling back, she stopped everything, caressing my cheek looking at me with innocent eyes. “Are you sure you want this?”

My body responded. He pulled my sweater off, smiling at the decoration on my bra, then shoving me back down. He was on top of me. Hands, teeth, muscles pulsed over every inch of my skin. I felt him getting hard against my leg.

Again, the pull-back, this time so forcefully I fell completely onto my back. “Is this what you want?”, her eyes daring me to respond.

Looking straight into her eyes

“Yes Sir.”

The grin of a man who has a woman for putty in his hands. Somehow I no longer wore pants or panties.

“Close your eyes.”

Trusting a stranger, I closed them.

“Now put your hands over your head.”

Quivering, I raised my hands to behind my head, clasping them together, fingers intertwined. I heard the unmistakable sound of a belt buckle, but I didn't dare open my eyes. I knew I wanted it.

The belt stung into my wrists as he secured my arms to the couch's wooden arm.

“Can you get out?"

“No... Thank you.”

“Thank you what.”

“Thank you Sir.”

“That's better. No more talking.”

After what seemed to be hours of torturing me with her tongue, he finally said, “It's time for me to fuck you. Open your eyes”

A huge grin spread across my face and I responded, “Oh yeah. Please baby.”

Darkness flashed in his eyes. “You aren't to be speaking. For that you will have to wait.”

Dammit. He sat back between my legs, just staring and running one finger up and down the inside of my right thigh, and then barely tracing the very outer edges of my clit.

My body trembled like I had a fever. I couldn't stop shaking. I needed him more than I ever thought I would. Needed him to fill me up.

“You are the dirty little slut aren't you? There you are, shaking, ready to cum and you haven't even had my cock yet. When I come into you I expect you to cum right away. No bullshit. I can see you are ready and I'm going to be very pissed if I don't feel your cum all over me immediately.”

Staring up into her eyes....he plunged into me with no regard for the belt restraining my wrists. I arched up to meet him, the belt scalding my skin, soaking the couch as he had asked.

My Identity

2009-01-10T19:05:00.007-05:00

I am a feminine woman. Seriously. I love to get dressed up, preferably in skirts or dresses, with high heels, sparkling adornments, makeup, perfectly coiffed hair – the whole deal. I love purple. I like stupid chick lit novels (well, to some extent.) I also love gardening, hiking, and other getting dirty activities. Still, I am at my very core a feminine woman because when I get done with those getting dirty activities, I always want a shower with my fluffy smelling soap, moisturizers, etc.

Because of my love of sports and general knowledge about things straight men find interesting, I've always had a bunch of straight male friends. In fact, until not long ago, I had more straight male friends than any other type. I also have this “guy” attitude about lots of things that I suppose kindles these friendships.

My physical attraction to other women has existed for as long as I can remember. Way back in middle school my friends loved the New Kids on the Block. I thought they were gross. I secretly crushed on Tiffany.

I found myself more attracted to feminine women than butch. I loved the way a femme's hair sways when she dances. The glint of a bracelet on her delicate wrist. The hint of pretty panties flashing under her skirt. The way the straps of her high heels cross on her ankles. The curve from her shoulders down to her back. I identified with femme women.

Then some big-deal things happened in my life. I was forced to spend time just reflecting on my life.

Not long after my “vacation” I started participating in an online sex community. It started as reviewing sex toys. I started reading about male-identified female-born people, learning terms like pansexual, femme, and many others. I started following the blogs of several people who are “different.” I had heard and read about the “in-between” genders, but I had never read their personal thoughts.

Then I went to a local gay club. It is a mostly a male club, with a few transmale performers. I found myself physically attracted to people I knew to be born male, yet who identified & dressed as female. It was very natural and also very comforting. I've always loved people of all different varieties and that physical attraction confirmed what I've always felt in my heart: I'm not attracted to gender.

One day on an Eden forum, people were talking about Twitter. I thought, “YAY! A chance to somewhat converse with these people who have so much insight into human sexuality & who don't necessarily live in the fishbowl I do.”

Since then it's like my eyes have been opened. I see people in a whole new light. I read blog posts about things I had never even heard of – yet are as familiar to me as white bread. I interact with people who, like me, just like people and are respectful of those who are not exactly the same as they. In fact, it is a community where difference is celebrated.

Not long ago I saw someone whose presence demanded my attention. I gathered every bit of confidence in me, walked right up to him and used a cheesy pickup line. We have since had many conversations about identity/gender/sex. As he opens up more to me about identity, I find I am more comfortable with my own. The struggles I have had to be open about my sexuality pale in comparison to what he goes through on a daily basis.

His struggles hurt my heart. He's given me permission to write about what he is going through, but it is too hard to write without tears just yet.

For now, I am happy to say I am just peachy with my own identity. :)

I can't keep my eyes off of You

2009-01-09T17:51:00.004-05:00

“Work was so hard today. I hate it there. It's too much for me any more. I don't know how I'll make it.”

“You'll make it. You always do. But you don't have to think about that right now. Just come here,” with arms open and a smile.

We cooked dinner together and ate at the dining room table. My heart was so burdened with work: the clients who needed me but I couldn't help them. The coworkers who didn't care the way I did. The boss who was just as frustrated as I. He had limitless conversation topics to keep my mind from work and it's harshness.

At one point I stopped eating, placing my fork on my plate and my hands in my lap. He said, “Please eat. You aren't doing well and not eating won't help.” I said I had no appetite. He'd already finished eating.

He stood, reaching his hands for mine, pulling me into his arms. All the stress and pain of the day came flooding from my eyes. I felt his hand pull my head closer to his chest, holding me close to his heart. I said that I just wanted to lay down.

He picked me up, carrying me to the bed. He went to his computer. I asked what he was doing. He said, “I want you to know something.”

The opening notes began. Then I heard,

“What day is it, and in what month, this clock never seemed so alive. I can't keep up, and I can't back down. I've been losing so much time. Cause it's you and me and all other people.”

He gathered me in his arms and whispered “There's something about you ... Everything you do it beautiful. It's just you and me.”

Oh How I Miss You (HNT)

2009-01-08T14:21:00.004-05:00

After having 2 children and wearing lots of "mommy" gear, I finally treated myself with a little trip to Victoria's Secret. Then one fateful night, one of my favorite bras disappeared. I have my suspicions is was taken as a souvenir. Either way, I miss it.

If you feel like helping me out by replacing it, I'll be happy to go with you to a VS to try some on. :)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

Fill in the Blank

2009-01-02T23:50:00.003-05:00

Dear _______:

Please do not ever say the following things to me:

1. You don't look like you would be interested in _____ (anything other than men).

2. You can't call yourself queer because sometimes you date men.

3. I didn't intend to insult you, you just took it the wrong way.

4. Someday you will have to chose a gender.

First: Who are you to decide what I should look like based on my sexuality, my choice of dinner entrée or anything else?

Second: I will call myself whatever I please. You should call yourself a jackass if you think otherwise.

Third: If I ever say anything that insults you, please tell me. I will promptly apologize, even if I didn't mean to insult you. I will do this because it doesn't matter what I intended if I hurt you anyway. You see, that is how people who care for each other act.

Fourth: Someday I will likely fall in love. The one time I was really in love before I didn't feel as though I made a gender choice. Furthermore, who are you to decide what type of relationship I will chose to be in at a future time?

***I won't be falling in love with anyone who says any of those things to me.***

Now

Since I know most of you reading this wouldn't say those things to me anyway:
I am so thankful I have found you, my unique online community. Even though I am physically living in a very small chlorinated fishbowl, you have welcomed me into a warm sea of acceptance. You each inspire me in your own ways to be even more myself and to cast aside those negative & hurtful judgments.

Peace, hope & love to you.

A "Terrible" First Date

2008-12-31T15:14:00.004-05:00

Even with directions I barely found his house. I drove by it and had to call him to figure out where to go. I pulled into the driveway and started to get out of the car. Before I could walk away from the car door, I saw him bound down the porch steps toward me like a child headed to Christmas morning. Everything about his movement attracted me to him instantly.

He suddenly was standing very close to me, smiling down with radiance. I reached to shake his hand and he pulled me into a tight hug instead. It was the first time a first-time meeting actually took my breath away. When he let go of the hug I felt dizzy and unsteady. I actually swooned.

The dinner was terrible. The restaurant music was obnoxious and loud. The service was slow and inaccurate. We still sat across from each other nodding and smiling. We attempted conversation, but it was too hard to pay attention to what was said. It wasn't the loud music. It was the amazing chemistry. Like meeting yourself in another person.

We rode back to his house with so much to say and not enough time to say it. He invited me in for some wine. He had intentionally bought the type of wine I love the most, along with some great chocolates. We sat on opposite ends of the couch, sipping wine and talking. It seemed if I moved too close to him the dream would shatter. We had no physical contact, just sitting and talking for a little more than an hour.

We took turns going to the restroom. When I got back he was sitting in the middle of the couch, leaving me no choice but to sit next to him. My nerves shook my body. He asked if I was cold when in fact I was quite flushed. We resumed talking, holding hands like high school sweethearts. There was a silent moment when he leaned back from me and studied my face. He loved my profile and asked why I didn't have more pictures of it on my site. I stuttered some inconsequential response. He said, “I think this is the part where I'm supposed to kiss you.”

Gifts for HNT

2008-12-24T11:45:00.001-05:00

I'm new to the sex toy review/sex blog community, but it was easy for me to pick 3 people I don't really even know to give “gifts” to in honor of this week's themed HNT.

First, Backseat Boohoo (http://backseatboohoo.blogspot.com/): A portable, sound proof, invisible room - one just big enough to lie down and stretch out inside without anyone being able to see you or hear you.

Second, Bulma (http://bustybulma.blogspot.com/): A vacation to a tropical island for some really serious grown-up fun. I'll babysit. You go, without that person who makes you sad. Better yet, my mother (the world's greatest grandma) can keep both sets of our children – who are the same ages and gender by the way – and I'll make sure you have fun. I will tell you about when I left my own abusive husband and how hard it was, but you will see what a happy person I am now and it will give you strength.

Third, Essin' Em (http://essin-em.com/): Reassurance that it's all going to be ok girl. You are fabulous and envied by many. Please know that all of those other life details that seem to constant plague your heart will work themselves out. Oh... and I'd also give you a week of whatever you want in the bed, a park, or anywhere else. ;)

And now for a little red & lace holiday HNT:

... she giggled when I straddled her and the lace tickled her bare stomach.

Strong

2008-12-23T22:36:00.001-05:00

I love being strong. I love to hike when I'm required to pull myself up and climb big rocks. I like to push mow my yard. I get a kick out of carrying heavy grocery sacks from my car into my house. I open jars by myself. I move furniture around like its made of Styrofoam.

I love it when I wrap my long strong legs around someone and flip him/her over and then pin that body down with mine. It makes my body heat grow just to know I have the energy and strength to fuck someone for hours without my legs giving up.

Strength and power. Delicious.

This may be why I am attracted to women who aren't as athletic as I. I can tell by looking at most women whether or not I am stronger than they. I pick ones that are smaller or less toned because I know I can hold them down to fuck them. It is a most wonderful thing when they try to push back. Sometimes I let them think they are stronger at first just so when I overpower them it scares them a little bit.

I tend to pick men who are more athletic because I find the others too weak to keep up. Not to mention the element of surprise when I exert my bodily strength on a strong man is priceless. Men are so overconfident. They think a small, average height woman will submit to their every whim. Ha.

One of my favorite strengths: my power pussy. I read about other women using various methods to strengthen their vaginal muscles and I wonder if I should even try it. Especially when I was told recently I clinched down so hard it hurt him. Of course, it makes me smile just to know it hurt him. The power that surges through me as I recall the look on his face when I squeezed down on him as he came is more intoxicating than any substance. Maybe I should get some Smart Balls or something. Then I could be even stronger.

I need to write that Perfectly Pink review.

My First HNT!

2008-12-18T11:36:00.005-05:00

Well, here it is, my first HNT. I even think I got the theme right! Since I am my own photographer I had some trouble, especially with lighting. So I posted one picture with two exposure levels.

Hmmm... maybe someone will volunteer to come take my pictures next month! :)

This IS What I Believe

2008-12-10T14:24:00.005-05:00

It's AMAZING!

A mainstream media publication allowing the publishing of a story that not only supports gay marriage, but provides Biblical references in support of it as well.

I applaud you Newsweek.

Link

The Plan

2008-12-09T22:40:00.004-05:00

I applied one more coat of cherry chapstick as I pulled into the parking place. I could feel the wetness in my panties already and I hadn't even seen her yet. I took my time getting my belongings out of the car, my heart racing faster and faster. I knew it was going to be wrong to take so much from her without giving her what she wanted, but my cold heart paled to my throbbing pussy.

She opened the door as I approached, laden with my bags. “That's a lot of stuff for just one night missy,” she said. Of course, she didn't realize that one bag contained only toys, lubes, and a thirsty towel. We embraced awkwardly, the hangover of old emotional connections briefly making an appearance in my head. I stepped back and took my bags to the bedroom.

She was wearing a very low cut top, her beautiful breasts practically spilling out everywhere. She had her usual gaudy big hair and makeup, but it didn't matter. When I came back from putting my bags down, she was bent over to control her stereo and I saw her perfectly round ass through the jeans she knew I liked the most.

She was so nervous. She couldn't stop talking and flitting around her home. I was nervous too, but I somehow was steady and calm. Mine was more nervous excitement than her nervous anxiety. We chatted about insignificant things – the 3 hours it took me to drive there, the weather, my new haircut. She asked if I would like to smoke and we did. It only made me hotter.

I told her I had some surprises for her. We went to the bedroom and I opened the beautiful red bag I use for carrying my toys. I pulled out my new strap on and we examined it together. I showed her the various controls and we compared it to her one strap on. She said she wanted to go first and I laughed at her.

As we walked down the hall to the dining room her arm brushed mine. I grabbed her left arm and shoved her against the wall, anchoring her arm down to the wall with mine. I took her right arm and put it above her head, holding both her small arms down with one of mine. She leaned forward to kiss me but I pulled my face back and pressed the palm of my hand against her pants. A little whimper escaped her, although she was attempting to act indifferent, smarting from my rejection of her kiss. I abruptly let go of her and walked away.

We sat at the dining room table to wait for dinner to finish cooking and to smoke some more. I really didn't care about what she was saying. My only thoughts were of fucking her senseless, but I pretended to pay attention. She was babbling something about a friend of hers when I stood up, took two steps to her, grabbed her by the back of the head and kissed her so hard she stopped breathing for a moment. I let her embrace me and I sat down on her lap, my hands finally cupping those luscious breasts. I lowered my head to kiss the top of her chest, my tongue tracing those perfect curves over and over. Her back arched and she moaned my name, her hands reaching for my pants. But I wasn't ready to let her have too much, so I stood up and walked away.

I knew this would most likely be the last time with her, and I knew we had less than 20 hours together. I wanted to make sure she understood that I would be fucking her on my terms. In our previous relationship she always had to be the domme, but I sure as hell didn't drive that far to let her do anything she wanted. I had a purpose, a mission unlike any I had ever had, a plan that both excited me and sickened what little heart I had left.

The One

2008-12-09T22:04:00.002-05:00

Caress me now, my dearest one
Take my hand for yours
Pull me closer in the night
Tightly shut the doors

Kiss me gently, but just at first
By your hands on my hips
Sweep me into your passion
Pour yourself upon my lips

Stretch out beside me in the bed
Trace me with your gentle hands
Feeling my breath rise and fall
Whisper to me all your plans

To taste you, to fill my mouth
Full of you and moaning
Swirl my tongue around the top
Feel your fire growing

As we join I lose all air
Gasping, I still want more
I find your eyes and I see
It's all you can do but roar

Rocking with you back and forth
Your pulse gains so much speed
Seeing that you want me so
Knowing you fulfill my needs

When it comes, there is no match
For the love between us
We go to higher to a place
Where there is no fuss.

Your cries of ecstasy
Sill linger in my mind
My desire grows stronger
No longer can I hide.

The New Love of My Life

2008-12-09T14:56:00.002-05:00

The Xtreme Gspot Bullet

One Word: Yum.
Two Words: Get it!

learning curve

2008-12-08T23:05:00.000-05:00

Ok I'm learning people... give the old lady time

Shudder to Think

2008-02-26T13:08:00.000-05:00

SHUDDER TO THINK SO INTO YOU LYRICSI am so into you,I can think nothing elseI am so into you,I can't think...Nothing else helpsbut I'm wondering(yeah, I'm wondering)how it's going to bethe minute I get you next to meI am so into you,I can think nothing elseI am so into you,I can't think...Nothing else helpsbut I'm wondering(yeah, I'm wondering)how it's going to bethe minute I get you next to meIt's going to be good,don't you know?I'm going to love you all over,over and over...so into youI am so into you,I can think nothing elseHow it's going to bethe minute I get you next to meIt's going to be good,don't you know?I'm going to love you all over,over and over...Me into you,you into me,me into you