Sunday, September 27, 2009

A Safer Place

Right at 2 years ago I decided to quit trying to save my marriage. At that point, I had already moved out, but I was still "going home" on the weekends. I was doing everything I, my ex father-in-law, or my therapist could think of to convince my husband to stop being a drug and alcohol addict and start being a husband and a father. I was loving him and he was pushing me away. Then one night he finally humiliated me to the point that I quit trying. Call me what you will, but after trying for over 3 years before giving up on an 8-year relationship, I don't consider myself a quitter.

I was heartbroken, but I had been for so long it wasn't a new feeling. He was so mean in so many ways I could write for years and never really get it all out. So I moved on.

It didn't work. I wielded a sword of love and sensuality that was too heavy for me. I loved someone who didn't really exist as I thought he did. Then someone loved me, but not me as I really exist. All in all the sum total of my efforts to move on have left me and several others more damaged than healed.

I'm so angry right now. Angry at my ex for abusing me and never appreciating me, angry at those since then who have demanded more from me than I could give, but mostly I am angry at myself.

Why was I so foolish? Why did I spend so many of my formative adult years trying to get someone to love me? Why did I have children with that person - children that will never know what it is like to have both their parents living in the same house?

I can't change what happened and I mustn't forget this anger I am feeling right now. I have to remember that I could have prevented all of this had I just known my own worth, instead of relying on the approval of others to find it.

I have no business engaging anyone in anything beyond simple sexual pleasure. Since pretty much every time I try to "just have sex" someone gets hurt, I guess that has to be off the table too.

I used to be such a loving person. I used to feel so much compassion for people. Now I am angry and bitter. It's time to face it and just accept that I can't love any more. I don't know how people ever get past being this angry and I don't know that I want to find out.

The rest of you can have your "love", my choice of emotion is anger. It will protect me.


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