Friday, July 24, 2009

Closure

Dear Lost Love:

My heart has ached for you for almost a year now. Some days it hurt so much I felt like I couldn't bear to breathe. Other days it was more like remembering a loved one who died a while ago - just a moment of silence in sadness. Now days it falls between the two - a dull ache that never really goes away - the pain of missing someone from my life who meant a great deal to me.

I still have moments when I smell you in the wind and wonder if you are thinking of me too. I see things I know you would love and I want to get them for you. I still miss your children and I wish you could see the ways mine have changed since you last saw them.

It is highly unlikely you will ever read this as I know you have a disdain for my interest in public airing of my personal feelings. This is really more for me than you anyway.

As it turns out, you don't really know me. Almost every day I do/say/feel something that you wouldn't expect or "approve".

Thing is: I'm more ME than I've ever been in my life. I get to dress the way I please without scrutiny, hang out with my friends without jealousy, and go about my life doing the things that make me happy. When I was with you, I was so worried about your approval I gave up going out dancing and even seeing certain friends because I was so anxious to gain your approval. I would blame it on your insecurities, but actually it was my own insecurities. Had I been more secure (as I am now), I would have gone ahead and done the things I love and let you go if you wanted to go.

I have finally realized why it's been so hard to let go of you. It is because I don't know if what we had was real outside my own mind. Were you lying to me the whole time, or was I just that delusional? The love I felt for you was like nothing else I'd ever known, and I thought you felt the same way.

If you didn't love me like that, I would like to know because then I could be even more cautious in my interpretations of love-like actions of others. If you did love me that way, then I can just be happy knowing I wasn't being completely insane in thinking so. Either way, it would be nice to know, but I doubt you'll ever have the heart to tell me.

Maybe someday I will get to talk to you and you will let me have the closure I need. Maybe not. Or just maybe we will meet again by chance and that moment will be just as electric as the first moment we met - except I will know you will never accept me for who I really am.

You're breaking the girl

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