Thursday, July 30, 2009

HNT - Games

This actually from a beach trip earlier this summer. I came across it today unexpectedly. That mark on my arm is from my arm being across the laptop power cord, getting addicted to a time-management game while my kids slept! Silly me. I really love those games...

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Seducing Me

The way your fingers trail up my arm, slowly, but with purpose.

The slight tilt of your head as you look down at me.

The smell of you, as only you smell.

The intensity of your gaze into my eyes.

The feel of your chest rising and falling over your heartbeat.

The times when you almost kiss me, but don't; instead pulling me into your arms.

The strength of your arms as they pull me in.

The way you keep your eyes open as you lean closer to me.

Your hand stroking the back of my neck.

Your tiny bit of hesitation when our lips meet.

Your fierce kiss that always follows.

With everything you are, you seduce me.
Even though I don't want it.

Friday, July 24, 2009


Dear Lost Love:

My heart has ached for you for almost a year now. Some days it hurt so much I felt like I couldn't bear to breathe. Other days it was more like remembering a loved one who died a while ago - just a moment of silence in sadness. Now days it falls between the two - a dull ache that never really goes away - the pain of missing someone from my life who meant a great deal to me.

I still have moments when I smell you in the wind and wonder if you are thinking of me too. I see things I know you would love and I want to get them for you. I still miss your children and I wish you could see the ways mine have changed since you last saw them.

It is highly unlikely you will ever read this as I know you have a disdain for my interest in public airing of my personal feelings. This is really more for me than you anyway.

As it turns out, you don't really know me. Almost every day I do/say/feel something that you wouldn't expect or "approve".

Thing is: I'm more ME than I've ever been in my life. I get to dress the way I please without scrutiny, hang out with my friends without jealousy, and go about my life doing the things that make me happy. When I was with you, I was so worried about your approval I gave up going out dancing and even seeing certain friends because I was so anxious to gain your approval. I would blame it on your insecurities, but actually it was my own insecurities. Had I been more secure (as I am now), I would have gone ahead and done the things I love and let you go if you wanted to go.

I have finally realized why it's been so hard to let go of you. It is because I don't know if what we had was real outside my own mind. Were you lying to me the whole time, or was I just that delusional? The love I felt for you was like nothing else I'd ever known, and I thought you felt the same way.

If you didn't love me like that, I would like to know because then I could be even more cautious in my interpretations of love-like actions of others. If you did love me that way, then I can just be happy knowing I wasn't being completely insane in thinking so. Either way, it would be nice to know, but I doubt you'll ever have the heart to tell me.

Maybe someday I will get to talk to you and you will let me have the closure I need. Maybe not. Or just maybe we will meet again by chance and that moment will be just as electric as the first moment we met - except I will know you will never accept me for who I really am.

You're breaking the girl

Thursday, July 16, 2009

HNT - The Other Kiss

This kiss was pretty sweet too.

That's the setting sun reflected in a mirror...

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row


Monday, July 13, 2009

The Premier

From the supply closet I heard the janitor set the final locks. Peeking out to see he was gone, I loosened my suit jacket buttons, and took off my jet-black Christian Louboutin heels. As I crept toward the premier’s office, I heard a soft gasp and then a low moan. I glanced inside the next-door window to see the premier’s head of security relaxed in her office chair, hands working herself. Knowing getting caught would lead to foreign prison, I watched her strong hands rub her clit through her pantyhose. Her breaths became solid, her hips arching off the chair.

I pulled my eyes away and moved quickly toward the premier’s office. The keys, codes, and information led me straight to the files. As I scanned them with my keychain, I heard her say

You should’ve stayed to watch. Now I’ll really have to punish you.

Read more at The Sweltering Celt.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

HNT - Passion was an amazing kiss.

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row


Monday, July 6, 2009

MicroFantasy Monday - Sleep

As usual, I felt you move against me, cuddling up to my back as I slept - but this time I felt something more. As you entered me from behind, I reached down to trace circles on my clit. You moved slowly, but with deliberation and in that way that gets me every time. I felt the warmth building in me as I rubbed myself faster and harder. My orgasm washed over me like warm water, and just as the waves subsided I woke up... and realized you weren't even there.

Read more at The Sweltering Celt.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Shame on You

First I must disclose that I have permission to write this post.

Recently a friend of mine who started coming out as transitioning from female to male told his mother about it.

The mother's first reaction: "I don't want to know anything about it." & "I don't care what you say, you'll always be my daughter." These reactions aren't too surprising and I think are probably quite popular, unfortunately.

A few weeks later the discussion is continued. This time the mother declared that it is "socially acceptable" to be a lesbian, but not to transition. She illustrated her point by stating something like "I mean, I would like to do heroin, but I don't - I drink because it's the socially acceptable thing to do."

This is one of the most screwed up things I've ever heard.

I'm grateful that I know no matter who my children are, I will love them and accept them. I'm also grateful that's not my mother. She should be ashamed.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

HNT - Party Dress

One of my FAVORITE party dresses. Meets the most important qualifications: purple and sparkling!

In fact, after wearing it, there was purple glitter everywhere... I do mean everywhere :)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

`Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.

I attended Pride 2009 in Knoxville last weekend. It was my first Pride. Apparently it was quite a turn-out, although I was disappointed with the small crowd.

Mostly though, I was very disheartened that I didn't seem to fit in there either. And by "either", I mean - yet again - I don't fit in. Every eye that met mine was met with a smile. Every single one. I wore a smile all day because I really was SO happy to be there. Still, 90% of smiles I gave were met with looks of scorn; dubious "What are YOU doing here?" type looks usually. Or else the recipient of my smile just looked away as if I had bothered him/her. Well, let's be honest here: I am talking about the women. The men (gay) that I smiled at or interacted with ALL smiled and thought I was "the cutest little lipstick" they'd ever seen. But I wasn't there to find a place in the gay-male crowd.

For the record: I even toned-down my femme, opting for Converse (low cut pink ones, but still) instead of my usual heels, low make-up level, and just ONE piece of jewelry which was very simple. In fact, I wore not one sparkling thing!

It's a struggle: to be who you really are, only to find that person doesn't have a place to belong outside a couple of close friends. Don't get me wrong - I am eternally grateful for the friends I have that DO accept who I really am. It's just that I, like everyone else in the world, want to be able to feel like there are people like ME out there.

Sure the Internets are full of people similar to me - and people who would accept me in daily life were we not hundreds or thousands of miles from each other physically. I am also grateful I've found that acceptance, but it is bittersweet as I know that is not enough for me and I will most likely never meet those people.

I've cried since then - a LOT. More than I have in a very long time. This sense of rejection has cut me so deep I'm starting to wonder if I should ask my doctor for an increase in medication for a while. My physical health is suffering too. The last 4 days have seemed like one long journey back into my own personal cave - away from the possibility of rejection.

My reaction is to flee straight into the arms of someone who really accepts me, for all my femininity and queerness both. I don't know where this will lead, and I'm trying really hard not to think about it. (Then I watched the Sex & the City movie and I wanted to get married. WTF? Maybe that's just that movie.) But either way, when I am with him I feel accepted and right now that's what I need.

Growing up, I read and reread Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. I always identified with poor Alice, who only wanted to make sense of things and get back to being herself. I recently recalled this passage:

It was so long since she had been anything near the right size, that it felt quite strange at first; but she got used to it in a few minutes, and began talking to herself, as usual. `Come, there's half my plan done now! How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another! However, I've got back to my right size: the next thing is, to get into that beautiful garden--how IS that to be done, I wonder?'

That's where I am right now: Finding myself exactly the right size, yet unsure of what I'll be from one day to the next, just wanting to get into the beautiful garden of acceptance.

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