Sunday, April 12, 2009

Selfish Dreams?

I have been blessed with 2 beautiful children. They are well-behaved, courteous, loving and the best of friends. They are a very positive product of a extremely negative situation. I am so grateful.

Both of my pregnancies were very difficult. In the first, I was "sent to bed" (bed rest) for 16 of 40 weeks because of increasingly strong contractions. Then I was in "active" labor for about 26 hours and gave birth vaginally to a child with a 19" head who wasn't breathing. Now a couple of years later, she still has a big head, but her smile and heart are what are easily seen as enormous.

In my second pregnancy, I made it to week 29 before the contractions started. They were much stronger than in the first pregnancy. I walked around for 9 weeks having at least 2 contractions that measured 70-95 on a non-stress test every hour. Then during delivery of that child, my blood pressure dropped to critical levels twice. She was born with a small birth defect that has delayed her neurological development. Still, even though she definitely lives in her own little world, she has an immeasurable kindness and radiant love.

I shouldn't get pregnant again. Ever. My children need their mother and pregnancy is a serious risk to my health. Plus: Why would I want to have more children when I am so very blessed with the ones I have?

I don't know why, but I crave being pregnant and having more children. It feels so selfish because I know of so many people who just want the chance to be pregnant and have 1 baby, and I've done it twice.

Last night I had a dream that I was starting to go into labor and needed to get to the hospital. In my dream, there were so many people and situations that kept me from getting to the hospital to have my baby. I was having very strong contractions and I knew it was time for me to have a baby, but it was like no one would let me just go have it.

Today the kids got up and "found" their Easter baskets, I made strawberry pancakes, and soon we will go outside and "hunt" eggs. It is a beautiful day to spend with my children, yet my dream from last night is haunting me to the point of having to restrain myself from crying.

I just want to know why. Why do I want another baby when I am already so blessed with 2? Why do I have this want when my body isn't meant for it? Why am I so selfish that my dreams are selfish?


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