Friday, April 3, 2009

Miserable

I really don't like arguing, but I will argue the color of the sky when I feel the need to. That being said, I think there are certain rules to arguing which adults should respect:

1. Argue only about the specific topic at hand, i.e., the color of the sky.

2. Argue only about what is currently being said, not things said 4 days ago.

3. Restrain from yelling, crying, or any other over dramatic antics.

4. Take what the person is saying as what they mean. Especially if you are dealing with me. I've never been known to hold back what I am really thinking. Logically, if I am unafraid to express my thoughts, why would I say "The car is purple", but actually mean "I hate the color purple."????

5. AND THIS IS THE BIG ONE
DO NOT attack someone personally. Do not take insecurities your adversary has confessed to you and throw them up into his/her face as part of the argument. There is just no reason for this.


When someone attacks me personally with my insecurities, I feel like a tiny little dog backed into a corner. It is hard for me to think of things to say in response, and I don't want to stoop to that level - but I feel like if I don't at least make an attempt to take a little bite back that I am being beaten down.

Example: I worry frequently about whether or not I am a good mother. (As I think all good parents are wont to do.) I express this to the people closest to me. If I am arguing with someone and he/she says something like "You are obviously not that concerned about your children because you *fill in the blank*" it makes me want to explode.

I react with whatever I can come up with that will prey on that person's insecurities, often with little visible "success." It seems I frequently find myself barely holding it together from the blows to my insecurity threshold, and when I try to strike back I'm told things like "You can't hurt me."

Oh and here's Number 6:
Don't say extreme things like "I hate you" or "I wish you would drop dead." Beyond being childish, those types of expressions leave lasting imprinted memories. Is that really what you were hoping to accomplish? That I would never forget where you were standing when you said "I hate you." Sure, you qualified it with "In this moment...", but seriously? Hate is a pretty strong word to be throwing around, even "in this moment."


Thing is, only a couple of years ago I argued this way. Then I met someone who just didn't participate. It taught me to grow up and stop acting like that in arguments. Why I'm upset now is that I've been dragged back down to that level.

I feel totally unappreciated, undesired, despised, and exhausted. I've tried to do the "right thing" by letting someone I care for not go homeless and move into my house. Even though said moving in has caused me problems with the father of my children, has caused my eldest child to feel insecure about her home, and has forced me to give up my personal space - which I had VERY little of anyway. Now that he's here and I've already sacrificed to defend him and my decision to let him move here, I've been cut down to a level of deep depression and ever-present smoldering anger.

My best girl friend told me that the "right thing to do" is what is best for me and my children. As of this moment, this situation is not the best thing for anyone in this house. (For the record, arguing has not happened in front of the children.) Yet I'm being asked to give it more time.

In the past I would have let this continue and tried to "work through" these issues. Now, I really don't want or care to "work" on any relationship. I spent my entire adult life prior to September 20, 2008, doing anything and everything I could to save romantic relationships. On that day, my life was spared and I was allowed to see for the first time that I don't NEED to be in a romantic relationship. I learned to be happy with myself. I learned that I don't have to be in any situation that encourages me to feel bad about myself.

Right now, I am miserable. By the end of today, I won't be any more.

6 comments:

Champagne and Benzedrine

This post REALLY spoke to me. I know EXACTLY what it's like to argue with somebody who reacts like that.

It makes you feel so horrible because everything you've said or done is ammunition in their books - and that poisons a relationship faster than anything else apart from betrayal.

Stay strong to what YOU want. I've discovered in life that nobody really looks out for what you want except yourself and if you don't do that, you'll never be happy and always be unsatisfied.

Sending you hugz over teh Interwebs.

saintchick

I can't help but worry about you , you have come so far and developed yourself in the last couple of months. I hate to see you fall backwards.
I am here and if you need anything let me know.
oxoxox

jennytg

Great post.The lessons you described are lesson w need to all learn.you must first be true to yourself and be happy with yourself first and foremost.

Phene

You are amazing and evrything yousaid was to a T!Dont ever let anyone bring you down baby, I will woop their ass if they know whats good for them.I love you babe!

Adriana

Good rules but all definitely easier said than done.

Horny Toads

Sounds like you've definitely hit a rough spot in your life. I hope everything works out well for you and your kids. And, yes, what's important is what's best for you and your kids! If this is causing you an overload of stress, it might be time to move on. I wish you the best!

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