Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Answer

For months I've wondered, searching for meaning in this constant tug of my heart. A tug that pulls me toward a love that is not for this time, not for these circumstances. This pain has lain upon my heart for more than many moons.

My dear friend tells me "God does not lay something so strongly in your heart for it to be ignored." All thoughts of religion and faith aside, I agree. I don't think people hold such powerfully strong feelings for no reason. I thought these feelings were telling me to hold on: that the time would one day be right.

I did not know how the person of this affection felt for me in this time. I just knew there had to be some greater reason I would still love someone so much, all the while knowing I cannot pursue that love at this point in my life.

I did not put my life on hold, rather, I worked around the overwhelming loss as if it were only temporary. For all my life I dreamed of such a love, so my heart could not comprehend it would have no eventual value.

Now I've been told by this person that my feelings are for naught. There is no dream to hold, no reason to love.

I feel I am destined to never love with such passion again. As time passes, it becomes more and more obvious that my feeble attempts to open my heart are only hurting those around me.

I see how people become bitter. For what is the purpose of this suffering? To make me cold, to isolate me from any potential of knowing again the warmth of such a love? To cause me to refocus my life, filling it with every possible distraction to drown out the noise of a love lost?

In searching for one answer, I've been left with many more questions that have no answers.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I'm haunted by a love that apparently isn't going to die. Just when I think it has faded, things start happening again that appear to be some sort of cosmic torture methods to stir the love around in my heart. Songs that are out of place, names of people, phrases that I've never heard anyone else say, and more all start popping up randomly one right after the other. 2 months went by with nothing, then it started again.

I've come to the conclusion that all I can do is live the life I have today, without thinking about what may come in the future. Still, I wonder that I am doing the right thing. Yes, I am living my personal life in a way that feels very natural and amazing - yet, I cannot really give my heart to those who want it. It seems like a betrayal. I'm told there is a lot of patience, but what the teller doesn't seem to realize is that's what they've all said. And yes, it is a "different" situation at this moment, but they've all been "different" in one way or another.

What am I supposed to do? I can't put my life on hold, refuse to date, and just wait to see what happens. I'm not afraid of being alone, I just don't believe people are meant to "pine away" for years and years for something that could easily not be real to the other person.

I'm sorry. To both of you. And to those of you who fell at the mercy of my heart in the last few months. I'm not trying to make this happen. It just keeps happening.

Sometimes in the quiet night, I still hear you
Sometimes in the sun's pure light, I still feel you

Not wishing with you I could stay
Not wishing you would go away

Wondering if you think of me too
Wondering who gets to be close to you

Knowing now is not the time
Knowing my heart is far from prime

Existing for today, and maybe tomorrow
All the while with heavy sorrow

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

High Femmes Having Fun!

Sexy Sims Wahoo!

This cracks me up. I think I have a weird sense of humor. :)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

HNT - Last of this Series

I get lots of comments on my eyes. They are sometimes darker, sometimes brighter, sometimes bluer, sometimes greener, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes here's a sampling!

(There is no sound)

My Eyes from sxy chikadee on Vimeo.

So that's the end of "up my body"
Stay tuned for the next series (hopefully): Blush...

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row


Monday, April 13, 2009

Pleasurists #24

My first review on this site is listed. I had a video too! :)


from found via Art or Porn

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #23? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #25? Submit it here before Sunday April 19th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus St.Syr

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

  • Smart Balls by Eliot Bodem

  • [P]lacing them as is shown in the little instruction booklet left me feeling that they were always in danger of falling out. But now that I think about it, I suppose that’s the point; you instinctively clench around the balls and that works the PC muscle.

    Editor’s Note: I try to pick posts which are not only well-written but also which are somehow unique or unusual and make me desire to own the toy being reviewed. While I’ve seen many reviews of the Fun Factory Smart Balls I thoroughly enjoyed the sense of discovery in this review and it made me want to try them.



Lube & etc.


Adult Books

Adult Movies/Porn



Pleasurists adult product review round-up banner

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Selfish Dreams?

I have been blessed with 2 beautiful children. They are well-behaved, courteous, loving and the best of friends. They are a very positive product of a extremely negative situation. I am so grateful.

Both of my pregnancies were very difficult. In the first, I was "sent to bed" (bed rest) for 16 of 40 weeks because of increasingly strong contractions. Then I was in "active" labor for about 26 hours and gave birth vaginally to a child with a 19" head who wasn't breathing. Now a couple of years later, she still has a big head, but her smile and heart are what are easily seen as enormous.

In my second pregnancy, I made it to week 29 before the contractions started. They were much stronger than in the first pregnancy. I walked around for 9 weeks having at least 2 contractions that measured 70-95 on a non-stress test every hour. Then during delivery of that child, my blood pressure dropped to critical levels twice. She was born with a small birth defect that has delayed her neurological development. Still, even though she definitely lives in her own little world, she has an immeasurable kindness and radiant love.

I shouldn't get pregnant again. Ever. My children need their mother and pregnancy is a serious risk to my health. Plus: Why would I want to have more children when I am so very blessed with the ones I have?

I don't know why, but I crave being pregnant and having more children. It feels so selfish because I know of so many people who just want the chance to be pregnant and have 1 baby, and I've done it twice.

Last night I had a dream that I was starting to go into labor and needed to get to the hospital. In my dream, there were so many people and situations that kept me from getting to the hospital to have my baby. I was having very strong contractions and I knew it was time for me to have a baby, but it was like no one would let me just go have it.

Today the kids got up and "found" their Easter baskets, I made strawberry pancakes, and soon we will go outside and "hunt" eggs. It is a beautiful day to spend with my children, yet my dream from last night is haunting me to the point of having to restrain myself from crying.

I just want to know why. Why do I want another baby when I am already so blessed with 2? Why do I have this want when my body isn't meant for it? Why am I so selfish that my dreams are selfish?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

HNT: Lips +

Took a break from HNT because I needed to get some other things done before posting one, but now I'm back. :)

I've been posting a series of pics that started with my feet (shoes) and moved up my body so that the last picture I posted was the top of my back & shoulders.

I thought I'd post a picture of my lips next...but then I found this picture, and realized it would be a shame to crop it down to only my lips. (Taken NYEve 2008)

(Number 10 of the series)

Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Totally Fuckable Tuesday - Leisha Hailey


Thank you Beautiful Dreamer

Sunday, April 5, 2009


Facebook and Myspace are getting increasingly annoying. Yes, they have been great to reconnect with some old friends. BUT

I am continuously getting friend requests from people I either a) don't really know at all or b) don't really give a crap about getting to know. 

Point A: I use those sites to actually keep in touch with my real friends. I post pictures of my children and information about my real life. I have both accounts set so that only my "friends" can see my information. Yes I realize those "friends" could easily share my pictures and information with other people: another reason why I am so picky about which friend requests I accept. 

Point B: I don't want to reconnect with people who I have never liked. I must qualify this statement with: I was relentlessly picked on by girls and boys alike ALL THE WAY through school. I was even teased at church. I was different and in this little town, different is not considered good. 
Now I get friend requests from people who were flat out mean to me. I've changed a lot since school, and I'm sure they have too. I'm not angry with those people, but memories of them are painful. 

There are many times in life when we don't get to choose those people with whom we must interact - like at work. I think that when we do get to decide, we should choose to be around people that invoke happy and pleasant feelings. So no, I'm not going to accept that former bully's friend request. 

Friday, April 3, 2009


I really don't like arguing, but I will argue the color of the sky when I feel the need to. That being said, I think there are certain rules to arguing which adults should respect:

1. Argue only about the specific topic at hand, i.e., the color of the sky.

2. Argue only about what is currently being said, not things said 4 days ago.

3. Restrain from yelling, crying, or any other over dramatic antics.

4. Take what the person is saying as what they mean. Especially if you are dealing with me. I've never been known to hold back what I am really thinking. Logically, if I am unafraid to express my thoughts, why would I say "The car is purple", but actually mean "I hate the color purple."????

DO NOT attack someone personally. Do not take insecurities your adversary has confessed to you and throw them up into his/her face as part of the argument. There is just no reason for this.

When someone attacks me personally with my insecurities, I feel like a tiny little dog backed into a corner. It is hard for me to think of things to say in response, and I don't want to stoop to that level - but I feel like if I don't at least make an attempt to take a little bite back that I am being beaten down.

Example: I worry frequently about whether or not I am a good mother. (As I think all good parents are wont to do.) I express this to the people closest to me. If I am arguing with someone and he/she says something like "You are obviously not that concerned about your children because you *fill in the blank*" it makes me want to explode.

I react with whatever I can come up with that will prey on that person's insecurities, often with little visible "success." It seems I frequently find myself barely holding it together from the blows to my insecurity threshold, and when I try to strike back I'm told things like "You can't hurt me."

Oh and here's Number 6:
Don't say extreme things like "I hate you" or "I wish you would drop dead." Beyond being childish, those types of expressions leave lasting imprinted memories. Is that really what you were hoping to accomplish? That I would never forget where you were standing when you said "I hate you." Sure, you qualified it with "In this moment...", but seriously? Hate is a pretty strong word to be throwing around, even "in this moment."

Thing is, only a couple of years ago I argued this way. Then I met someone who just didn't participate. It taught me to grow up and stop acting like that in arguments. Why I'm upset now is that I've been dragged back down to that level.

I feel totally unappreciated, undesired, despised, and exhausted. I've tried to do the "right thing" by letting someone I care for not go homeless and move into my house. Even though said moving in has caused me problems with the father of my children, has caused my eldest child to feel insecure about her home, and has forced me to give up my personal space - which I had VERY little of anyway. Now that he's here and I've already sacrificed to defend him and my decision to let him move here, I've been cut down to a level of deep depression and ever-present smoldering anger.

My best girl friend told me that the "right thing to do" is what is best for me and my children. As of this moment, this situation is not the best thing for anyone in this house. (For the record, arguing has not happened in front of the children.) Yet I'm being asked to give it more time.

In the past I would have let this continue and tried to "work through" these issues. Now, I really don't want or care to "work" on any relationship. I spent my entire adult life prior to September 20, 2008, doing anything and everything I could to save romantic relationships. On that day, my life was spared and I was allowed to see for the first time that I don't NEED to be in a romantic relationship. I learned to be happy with myself. I learned that I don't have to be in any situation that encourages me to feel bad about myself.

Right now, I am miserable. By the end of today, I won't be any more.

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