Saturday, January 10, 2009

My Identity

I am a feminine woman. Seriously. I love to get dressed up, preferably in skirts or dresses, with high heels, sparkling adornments, makeup, perfectly coiffed hair – the whole deal. I love purple. I like stupid chick lit novels (well, to some extent.) I also love gardening, hiking, and other getting dirty activities. Still, I am at my very core a feminine woman because when I get done with those getting dirty activities, I always want a shower with my fluffy smelling soap, moisturizers, etc.

Because of my love of sports and general knowledge about things straight men find interesting, I've always had a bunch of straight male friends. In fact, until not long ago, I had more straight male friends than any other type. I also have this “guy” attitude about lots of things that I suppose kindles these friendships.

My physical attraction to other women has existed for as long as I can remember. Way back in middle school my friends loved the New Kids on the Block. I thought they were gross. I secretly crushed on Tiffany.

I found myself more attracted to feminine women than butch. I loved the way a femme's hair sways when she dances. The glint of a bracelet on her delicate wrist. The hint of pretty panties flashing under her skirt. The way the straps of her high heels cross on her ankles. The curve from her shoulders down to her back. I identified with femme women.

Then some big-deal things happened in my life. I was forced to spend time just reflecting on my life.

Not long after my “vacation” I started participating in an online sex community. It started as reviewing sex toys. I started reading about male-identified female-born people, learning terms like pansexual, femme, and many others. I started following the blogs of several people who are “different.” I had heard and read about the “in-between” genders, but I had never read their personal thoughts.

Then I went to a local gay club. It is a mostly a male club, with a few transmale performers. I found myself physically attracted to people I knew to be born male, yet who identified & dressed as female. It was very natural and also very comforting. I've always loved people of all different varieties and that physical attraction confirmed what I've always felt in my heart: I'm not attracted to gender.

One day on an Eden forum, people were talking about Twitter. I thought, “YAY! A chance to somewhat converse with these people who have so much insight into human sexuality & who don't necessarily live in the fishbowl I do.”

Since then it's like my eyes have been opened. I see people in a whole new light. I read blog posts about things I had never even heard of – yet are as familiar to me as white bread. I interact with people who, like me, just like people and are respectful of those who are not exactly the same as they. In fact, it is a community where difference is celebrated.

Not long ago I saw someone whose presence demanded my attention. I gathered every bit of confidence in me, walked right up to him and used a cheesy pickup line. We have since had many conversations about identity/gender/sex. As he opens up more to me about identity, I find I am more comfortable with my own. The struggles I have had to be open about my sexuality pale in comparison to what he goes through on a daily basis.

His struggles hurt my heart. He's given me permission to write about what he is going through, but it is too hard to write without tears just yet.

For now, I am happy to say I am just peachy with my own identity. :)

2 comments:

Sienna

I was the same way - I found long hair, soft skin, intoxicatingly sweet smells so much more attractive. Still do.

MissKissThis

Reading this post made me happy [and I can't quite pinpoint why, but it did] :)

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