Thursday, December 17, 2009

Moving On

This blog is no longer a place where I can express myself without actual risk of harm to my "real life" personal relationships. That kinda sucks, but I was thinking about starting anew anyway.

The great irony is it is right around my first year anniversary for this blog.

So farewell for now. I have a new place to express myself, under a new pseudonym. If you follow me and would like that link, send me an email to sxychikadee@gmail.com and I'll probably give you the link as long as you don't have a personal relationship with me in "real life."

To my blogging, twitter, etc. buddies: Please help me shed this identity by taking my comments under my new name without deleting my old identity just yet. I have a couple of people in my life who want to make things hard for me so they will be looking for places where this name is gone and replaced with a new name...

geez, sex blogging is complicated!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Optimism

This post finds me feeling much better than the last - although the last still stands true. Thank you for the comments and I'm glad you liked the picture. :)

I finally got a job. I've been drawing unemployment for a year. This was, I believe, the 28th job application I sent out. This job doesn't pay what the unemployment did. It's part-time and I will still struggle financially. I think what I am paid is too high for the demand of the tasks. still

I feel so happy. The people are so upbeat and excited. The company is making an impact on the environment. This is the first time in probably 6 years that I have been happy at work.

So I am optimistic the other issues will resolve themselves soon.

Those who want more from me than I can give should know that I am telling the truth when I say it. There are more than one of them.

Sometimes you/I love someone who doesn't love you/me, while someone you/I don't love loves you/me. That sucks pretty bad. For everyone. still

I am really starting to feel good about my future as a single person.

Yes, I had some major philanthropic duty kind of dumped on me last night and I was overwhelmed.

Then I realized I have faith it will be ok.

I will hold onto this faith and not let the negative influences of others wear it down.

I will do the things that make me happy and feel good about them.

....oh and I'll probably have a pretty nice 'story' up for you soon.




Peace

Hate is not a Family Value

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Fuck You HNT

Lately I've remembered a few really important things:

1. I'm a smart woman who takes the time to inform herself about people who are different than she. Some people don't appreciate what it's like to grow up and live in a closed-minded community, so they'll never understand why others of us are not as "educated" about certain subjects as they allegedly are. Fuck you if you think I am anything other than open-minded and VERY accepting, because I am.

2. I've made a lot of really bad choices in life, but I've made some damn good ones too - really, really good ones. Fuck you if you don't like my choices. Go live your own life and make your own choices.

3. I don't owe you anything. You don't owe me anything. Some people want to rehash the past until it feels like the present. Fuck you if you can't realize the past is gone and you can't change the part you played.

I am no longer going to let those who are negative affect my life in any way. Take your negativity and go fuck yourself.

Yes I am more than a little sassy, but I care less than a little bit.



Want to see some uncovered boobs and help fight breast cancer - it's a WIN/WIN! Head over to Views from the Back Row for more info.

HNTbutton

Monday, September 28, 2009

MicroFantasy Monday - Frustration

There's no angle I can be to get deep enough in her. I've twisted and pulled her around the floor, and she has complied like a good girl, but still I cannot find the place I want to be. Deeper and deeper I push into her, her cries fall on deaf ears, not even coming close to what I need. Once again I flip her from her stomach to her back, but this time I shove 2 large throw pillows from the couch under her ass. Grabbing her ankles and spreading her wide, I take her again. Her shocked gasp is the first thing I hear as I feel the release coming.


Thanks Ang. Just the theme to get me back (?).


Sunday, September 27, 2009

A Safer Place

Right at 2 years ago I decided to quit trying to save my marriage. At that point, I had already moved out, but I was still "going home" on the weekends. I was doing everything I, my ex father-in-law, or my therapist could think of to convince my husband to stop being a drug and alcohol addict and start being a husband and a father. I was loving him and he was pushing me away. Then one night he finally humiliated me to the point that I quit trying. Call me what you will, but after trying for over 3 years before giving up on an 8-year relationship, I don't consider myself a quitter.

I was heartbroken, but I had been for so long it wasn't a new feeling. He was so mean in so many ways I could write for years and never really get it all out. So I moved on.

It didn't work. I wielded a sword of love and sensuality that was too heavy for me. I loved someone who didn't really exist as I thought he did. Then someone loved me, but not me as I really exist. All in all the sum total of my efforts to move on have left me and several others more damaged than healed.

I'm so angry right now. Angry at my ex for abusing me and never appreciating me, angry at those since then who have demanded more from me than I could give, but mostly I am angry at myself.

Why was I so foolish? Why did I spend so many of my formative adult years trying to get someone to love me? Why did I have children with that person - children that will never know what it is like to have both their parents living in the same house?

I can't change what happened and I mustn't forget this anger I am feeling right now. I have to remember that I could have prevented all of this had I just known my own worth, instead of relying on the approval of others to find it.

I have no business engaging anyone in anything beyond simple sexual pleasure. Since pretty much every time I try to "just have sex" someone gets hurt, I guess that has to be off the table too.

I used to be such a loving person. I used to feel so much compassion for people. Now I am angry and bitter. It's time to face it and just accept that I can't love any more. I don't know how people ever get past being this angry and I don't know that I want to find out.

The rest of you can have your "love", my choice of emotion is anger. It will protect me.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

HNT - Games





This actually from a beach trip earlier this summer. I came across it today unexpectedly. That mark on my arm is from my arm being across the laptop power cord, getting addicted to a time-management game while my kids slept! Silly me. I really love those games...








Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Seducing Me

The way your fingers trail up my arm, slowly, but with purpose.

The slight tilt of your head as you look down at me.

The smell of you, as only you smell.

The intensity of your gaze into my eyes.

The feel of your chest rising and falling over your heartbeat.

The times when you almost kiss me, but don't; instead pulling me into your arms.

The strength of your arms as they pull me in.

The way you keep your eyes open as you lean closer to me.


Your hand stroking the back of my neck.

Your tiny bit of hesitation when our lips meet.

Your fierce kiss that always follows.


With everything you are, you seduce me.
Even though I don't want it.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Closure

Dear Lost Love:

My heart has ached for you for almost a year now. Some days it hurt so much I felt like I couldn't bear to breathe. Other days it was more like remembering a loved one who died a while ago - just a moment of silence in sadness. Now days it falls between the two - a dull ache that never really goes away - the pain of missing someone from my life who meant a great deal to me.

I still have moments when I smell you in the wind and wonder if you are thinking of me too. I see things I know you would love and I want to get them for you. I still miss your children and I wish you could see the ways mine have changed since you last saw them.

It is highly unlikely you will ever read this as I know you have a disdain for my interest in public airing of my personal feelings. This is really more for me than you anyway.

As it turns out, you don't really know me. Almost every day I do/say/feel something that you wouldn't expect or "approve".

Thing is: I'm more ME than I've ever been in my life. I get to dress the way I please without scrutiny, hang out with my friends without jealousy, and go about my life doing the things that make me happy. When I was with you, I was so worried about your approval I gave up going out dancing and even seeing certain friends because I was so anxious to gain your approval. I would blame it on your insecurities, but actually it was my own insecurities. Had I been more secure (as I am now), I would have gone ahead and done the things I love and let you go if you wanted to go.

I have finally realized why it's been so hard to let go of you. It is because I don't know if what we had was real outside my own mind. Were you lying to me the whole time, or was I just that delusional? The love I felt for you was like nothing else I'd ever known, and I thought you felt the same way.

If you didn't love me like that, I would like to know because then I could be even more cautious in my interpretations of love-like actions of others. If you did love me that way, then I can just be happy knowing I wasn't being completely insane in thinking so. Either way, it would be nice to know, but I doubt you'll ever have the heart to tell me.

Maybe someday I will get to talk to you and you will let me have the closure I need. Maybe not. Or just maybe we will meet again by chance and that moment will be just as electric as the first moment we met - except I will know you will never accept me for who I really am.

You're breaking the girl

Thursday, July 16, 2009

HNT - The Other Kiss

This kiss was pretty sweet too.




That's the setting sun reflected in a mirror...


Appreciate the others at Views from the Back Row

HNTbutton

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Premier

From the supply closet I heard the janitor set the final locks. Peeking out to see he was gone, I loosened my suit jacket buttons, and took off my jet-black Christian Louboutin heels. As I crept toward the premier’s office, I heard a soft gasp and then a low moan. I glanced inside the next-door window to see the premier’s head of security relaxed in her office chair, hands working herself. Knowing getting caught would lead to foreign prison, I watched her strong hands rub her clit through her pantyhose. Her breaths became solid, her hips arching off the chair.

I pulled my eyes away and moved quickly toward the premier’s office. The keys, codes, and information led me straight to the files. As I scanned them with my keychain, I heard her say

You should’ve stayed to watch. Now I’ll really have to punish you.


Read more at The Sweltering Celt.

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